He always asked why I was so hard on myself. Why I always expected the worst. It wasn't till he hurt me and I didn't feel the sting did he realize. It was my defense mechanism. It was how I kept the hurt away, because I already was prepared for the storm that is my life. I already had my rain boots on. Now it was time to wait for the moment when he realized he too didn't love me he too didn't care. Does anyone? He to would become a thing of the past. Part of the group that points and stares. Part of the group that doesn't understand no matter what they do I will still care about them. No matter how deep the cut. I will still be there for them. Still in my boots still waiting for pain to resurface. Still waiting for one person to stay. One person to know my story and still come back. One person who truly loved and cared. I thought it was him, but I was wrong. Again. Will I ever be right. Can anyone ever actually love me? Am I that horrible? Do I push away these people? Is there anyone there? Is anyone listening or am I alone again. Alone in my struggles. Alone in the pain I have learned to push aside. Alone in this world.... forever. I thought every single one of these people I chose to give my undying attention to were the one. The one that would stay. The one that would stop this hurt. But I have come to realize that Nobody can. My life is a train with no brakes and nobody can stop it. If I hide away my scars and feelings maybe someone will stay. If I block out my depression maybe they won't know about my past. They won't know that I am broken beyond repairs. They will think I am new and fun, but I can't hide it forever. They always find the fresh cuts and the old scars. As soon as they learn it is back to being me. Alone in my self hatred. Always wondering how I can change so maybe somebody will stay. They always said I promise jess I will never leave, but I never trust a promise. It is part of my guard. Part of me. I never let my guard down. I try to make myself seem strong and tough to others and make it look as if what they do could never bother me, but the cuts show another story. One that nobody knows. One where even my family doesn't care. The story of all the pain and torture. That I really feel, but I cannot be vulnerable. Nobody can know this. Nobody can know the real me. My reality. No one. The small slices in my skin keep me alive. I didn't need them when I had you. You were my raft in this storm, but now I am drowning. My boots can't help me in a flood. My life line has been ripped away. You didn't know the significance you held in my life. You will never know because you already left. Now you are with the others. While I sit alone and watch your happiness. While I sit and cry and feel the pain, but you don't notice. Because I don't let you. You knew a different me. The one that everyone else knows. Not the me that only I see. The one that is struggling to stay here among the people who always leave. The one who never believes the words " I love you", but still wants to hear them. The me who will never stop loving the people who hurt me. I left behind a little girl. Who thought things would always go her way. Who thought her parents cared and her friends would be there forever. A little girl that was slowly breaking as she watched her parents scream and her friends disappear. A little girl that isnt so little anymore. Who wants a broken girl? Well certainly not my family or my old friends. So this little girl had to hide the pain so the people would stop leaving and so the teachers wouldn't ask. She hid it so well untill now. Untill she hit her breaking point. The point in her life where the anger was taken out on her. The point where she snapped beyond repair. The point when she learned there was no hope for anyone to ever love her. The moment in her life when she wanted to end it all. To many people knew her secret. To many people had heard her story, but they chose to stay silent never to say a word to her again. To many people had left her. She is empty now.The emotions this she shows are only for the benifits of the people around her. She grew up way to fast and now she is here. Just a girl broken and alone. She feels like nobody is around and nobody listens, because they aren't they have left her. Left her to wallow in her own self pity. Left her to fight her battles alone. Left her alone with the people that should love you the most, but what no one knows is they don't. They don't love her at all. She is alone. I am alone in this world. I don't know if I can stand in this storm this flood with only my rain boots, but I have to learn how because you are never coming back. Nobody is. I must learn to swim against the storm and move forward. So I don't get weighed down by my own boots. So I can rise up and show the people who left me. The people who doubted me. I have to stay strong so I can get to the calm of the storm. I have to have hope that there is a calm in this storm and there is something worth living for. It is the only hope I have for survival in this world. A world who is out to get me. A world that could care less if I stay or if I go.
