Author's Note

442 32 14

by primejoel

by primejoel

Many of you may be reading this in 2017, while this was posted in the last hours of 2016.

I began writing this story a year and a month ago. Back in good old 2015. It was two days before December began. I was still sixteen, excited to turn seventeen. Now I'm eighteen years old while I type this. I'm an adult now. From the beginning I knew exactly how I wanted this story to be, a year ago in December I had already written thirty three chapters of Thantophobia.

I was in love with Joel, Yoandri, Johann, Joshua and Richard. Last Episode is still the best band to me. I created complex characters for each one of them. I also didn't want my story to be so far off from reality, that's why I would often include things that happened in real life.

You see, Mariana's life and my life parallel one another. I never saw her as myself. The thing is, we both lost people we thought we'd never lose. We both got our heart broken. We have both been betrayed by people we never thought would try to harm us. We both live in fear of loving and living. To be honest, Mariana is all of us.

No one had to die for me, all they had to do was walk out of my life and be gone forever. This year has been painful and heartbreaking for me. I dealt with a great amount of anxiety and depression, all because of one person. Sometimes I didn't know what I was feeling and that scared me. That's what getting your heart broken once does to you.

Some of the dialogue in this story has already been said to me in real life. A lot of the romantic events and tragic fallouts have already metaphorically been played out in front of me this year. I lived with so much anger and so much sadness and I just didn't want to hold on anymore. I didn't want to be myself.

One of the most beautiful things this year has been that I got to interact with you guys. You, my beloved reader, is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I read your comments and appreciated every single one of your votes. In the beginning, I didn't think people would actually like my story. I never thought that I'd make it to the end, but here I am with tears in my eyes as I type this.

I never finish things. I always leave them halfway done, so I'm more than proud to say that this is the first thing I've finished... ever. I don't deserve all this support, but you guys made this happen. You guys are the reason I pulled through and finished this story that has way too many plot twists.

I love you all. I wrote that in almost every chapter because it's the most honest truth. I love you all so much! I hope one of my characters reads this story... I was one of the first people Joel followed on Twitter and I was extremely humbled by that. Back when #LaBandaJoel was still a thing. Being who he was is what motivated this story to begin.

I am so proud of the boys. Whether they're in CNCO going platinum and performing in Times Square or having a solo career. They have all gotten really far and watching them grow is magical. I'm also proud of YOU because we all have wars that are constantly bringing us down. Whether that war is a person itself or a dark emotion. You're here reading this note, you're still fighting. Trust me, I'm fighting with you.

As I'm closing this chapter in my life (and of the book apparently) I just want to say that I wrote this story because you can't move on without love, hate and forgiveness. You have to love and hate in order to forgive. Forgiveness is purifying and it makes you feel beautiful and free. I've already gone through all of that... It's quite a journey.

This story, in a way, was my own method of forgiving those people who have once hurt me. I love them, mistakes and all. I kind of miss everyone I wrote about. Talk about certain people and you start missing them all over again. Don't do it, it's a trap.

~~~~~~

I want to dedicate this story to Aylin, Julisa and Waffles (my dog) for always believing in me since the beginning. . . I finished you guys!!!