I'll remember him 2

Hold yourself together

*Liam's POV*

When everybody is going back home I'm finally alone with Kate. I look at the diary laying on the table. I better don't look in it, it will break me and fill my heart with guilt. But on the other side I need to know what was going on in her mind that she didn't dare to tell me. She didn't trust me enough. She had a reason though, if I didn't keep it a secret for her then she was laying next to me in my bed, drifting to sleep. Her warm body laying against me.

But I did and now we're here, me sitting next to her bed, my hand on hers waiting for it to move. Her body isn't warm at all and that cute smile of hers isn't playing on her lips like when she's sleeping. The only thing this gives me strength, that gives me hope she can come through this, is her pulse. Her slow heartbeats.

I can't hold myself when I stand up to grab the diary. Tears fill my eyes when I only look at her handwriting.

He's my everything. He is. At first I didn't want him to because I was afraid of losing him. Again. I was afraid of losing myself in him when I just got myself back together. But now the things are different, a lot has changed since then. I couldn't live without Liam anymore and I don't even want to be able to. He's the one that is loving me since we were two years old and I wonder how he can still not be done with me after all these years. After all we've been through. After all I've put him through. I know I can trust him like I can trust nobody else and I know he will never keep things from me but I write in this diary because I don't want to be the boring and complaining girlfriend. I want to be that kind of girlfriend that's your best friend as well. The one you go shopping with and the one you play video games with. The one that misses you when your gone and the one that knows every little detail of you. The one that knows what you're thinking on every very moment and the one that you can laugh with on any time of the day. Not the one that complains about her pain or problems or the one who's crying all the time. I want to save him from that.

Okay enough of that.

I close the curtains, not because the light is coming through the window cause it's already dark outside but more because I feel like I have to, I know Kate always closes them when she goes to sleep and I feel like it is a gesture I can do to help her. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel like Kate can hear me. That she's with me all this time.

I shut the small light besides her bed and lay my head down on his usual spot. So strange that this is already becoming a habit, that it becomes usual even. I close my eyes and slowly drift to sleep.

***

*Astrid's POV*

I can't sleep at all. My with sweat soaked body isn't laying still not even for a second and my thoughts keep my mind occupied. I wish my head could be empty, empty of all the thoughts and just be in silence, be in peace. But of course the human is made to be tortured and I can't clear my mind. Images and sentences swim through my head, all of the leaving a track of guilt behind.

I throw my duvet off me to get some air but within seconds I'm too cold. My body can't decide to have warm or cold so I put one leg under the blanket and one above.

My heart races when I think of Harry's comforting and loving words. But I can't ignore the pain that Jake leaves and thinking of him and his little brother makes me sick. I want to vomit all over the place. How is Matt doing? I'm probably never going to see the kid again, and this right at the time they need me the most. How much Jake will ever deny.

I really need some air.

I push the duvet away and slip into my warm sweatpants and pull a brown sweater over my underwear what turns out to be the sweater Jake gave me. I head downstairs with my eyes searching for recognizable furniture. I find the lights and put them on with trembling hands and put my hair into a bun. Don't care how i look like, nobody will be seeing me this time of the day anyway.