Remembering Us

1.14 Giving Up

Part III

1.14

Giving Up

   This past few weeks Ellie and I have been cold to each other, even though were not actually fighting I feel that she might be losing faith in herself. Maybe because it’s now January 14 and it may be our last month together. Even if Ellie picks either or neither Light or Dark someone will have to die and she’s afraid that there’s a possibility that it will be me.

Researching this book that we have is now getting boring. I think I have read all of this a thousand times now and I still will continue to.

You can take a break if you want

Nah I’ll stay

Go, I need some space to think

What does she mean? Can’t she think when I’m here? Am I that hard to be around at? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make her act like this.

I stood from the chair I was sitting at. I think I need some space for myself.

I saw a girl, she was carrying piles of books in her arms and she’s balancing it on her own. She has brown short hair, hazelnut eyes and a slender body that is having trouble keeping the books balanced. It was Beth.

I ran towards her.

“Let me help you with that” I offered

“Thanks” She said giving me some of the books she was carrying.

If you thought about it, she’s the first girl to ask me on a dance and I refused her. If Ellie and I had gotten back together, things might have been different now.

What am I thinking? Ellie is the girl you love and she’s the one who gave your life meaning. Remember that!

We walked into the aisle and put the books according to their classification.

“So… Beth how was your holidays?” I asked still putting books into places

“It was good, my family went to Hawaii and we spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve there” She answered

“Oh, that’s nice” I said

I didn’t know what I was doing but I turned around and find myself looking at the books that Beth was putting on the shelves.

“What’s wrong John?” She asks being concerned

“It’s nothing” I said

“You can tell me, I won’t laugh I promise” She said still being her silent self

The moment she said that my mind focused on the things that are wrong with my life, with Ellie and with the world.

“Ellie’s changing” I said bluntly

She looked at me expecting more details.

“What do you mean?” She asked

“She has been cold lately and she’s giving me a hard time” I said

“I think it’s better if you tell her this yourself” She started “I’m sure she would understand”

“I’ll try” I said silently

   Beth was right; I should’ve never kept it to myself. I sat down to my seat next to Ellie. I notice that she’s been wearing this black make up all over her face, she started wearing less clothing than she was supposed to and it all makes her look…Dark. Even though nothing is wrong with that, I’m worried that the girl I love might be already gone before she's ever taken.

“L, we need to talk” I started, pulling the book away from her

Pulling a book away from Ellie means that you’re going to start a fight. That’s why people always respect her when she’s reading. Today I don’t mean anything about that.

“What?” She said being annoyed and starting to get angry “Okay fine, talk”

“You have been changing and I see it” I started

She pulled the book from me and started reading again

“Ellie!” I said now angry even though I didn’t meant to be.

I notice that she was now crying, her face overwhelmed and flooding with tears. I suddenly felt guilty for not seeing that she was also trying to make sense of this and pretend that it’s all nothing.

“I know!” She said trying to control herself

She closed the book.

“I know I said that I wouldn’t push people away anymore” She whimpered “But I’m changing and I can’t stop it” she said

We both stood there. I can’t think of anything anymore. My mouth spoke the words before I ever thought about them.

“I know there’s no hope in hoping anymore” I paused “But that’s all we have left”

My knees buckled and I was frozen where I stood, looking at the girl I love crying and feeling hopeless and I can’t do anything about it.

“I don’t want to choose” She said softly

She finally said it, what she was thinking and what was making her change like this.

We both knew that there is only one solution that can make things work but we are both scared to say it to each other. We’re scared that if we admit it, we might be forced to give up trying and just let it be. This time, I’m not scared anymore and I know what I must do.

“L, you must let me go” I said silently

She stood there speechless.

“Let me do it, so people won’t have to” I added

Rain started to fall on me. I know she’s hiding her fear, her sadness, her cries and tears in the rain so I wouldn’t have to see it.

“I understand” She said

She came closer to me and hugged me, her head felt warm on my chest. Her touch doesn't burn me anymore.

“Stop crying. No matter what happens I want you to remember that I will always love you” I said to her

She was still crying on my chest but the rain stopped before any books were damaged.

****

   The sun is shining brightly giving everything a share of its light and heat. I am on the park like in the dreams before I met her. I am holding someone’s hand, her faint green eyes looked more beautiful than ever, her black hair smelled like lemons and rosemary, her pale white skin held my hand tighter than ever without burning it for the second time and the familiar white heart shaped pendant on her necklace. It was E-

“Don’t bother remembering, just enjoy it” She said smiling

“Okay” I said

I never had a dream where I can’t remember someone before.

“Do you have any request?” She asked

“Kiss me” I joked

Who is this girl? I feel like I know her?

She kissed me and it was the first time I felt like this. It felt hot and a quick bolt of electricity jolted me but it was good.

“I’m so sorry” She said tears welled up in her eyes

“For what?” I asked

Why is she saying sorry? Do I know this girl?