Pokemon One-Shots and Headcanons

Pokemon Texting: Ash and Calem

Ash
Calem

All right listen up, you little shit!

I beg your pardon?

Are you ready to get your ass kicked?

What?

Do you think you can handle a massive blitz of good old-fashioned payback?

Well no, I guess not.

Too bad! Because me and my Pokemon are about to whoop your ass so hard you won't be able to get out of bed in the morning!

And just why are you so intent on destroying me?

Are you serious right now?

I need revenge for what you did to me!

And just what would that be?

You can't be serious...you mean you don't remember how you stole the girl of my dreams, Serena, right out from under my nose?

Why are you telling this to a Presbyterian priest?

A what now?

This seems like an awfully strange conversation to be having with a clergyman from Boner Heatedville in Kanto.

But...you're Ash Ketchum.

That is correct.

Ash Ketchum, aspiring Pokemon master. I got your number from the directory.

Young man, has it ever occurred to you that there may be more than one 'Ash Ketchum' living in Kanto?

Oh my Arceus.

Father, I am SO, SO sorry for unleashing my rage on you like that.

It's no problem. Though I am still confused.

Well you see, I really hate the other Ash Ketchum. He asked out the girl I like, and now they're together. And she says there's no chance she'll ever leave him for me.

I see. And is that the only reason you dislike him?

What do you mean? That's a perfectly good reason.

Is it, though? Is it the only reason?

What...are you saying that my reason for disliking Ash may come from some deep-rooted insecurities of my own?

Possibly.

Are you saying that I'm jealous of Ash for being more likable and an all-around better trainer than I am, which is probably why Serena chose him over me?

That sounds plausible.

So what you're saying is maybe I don't hate Ash so much as I envy him and wish I could be more like him?

I think you've just made a breakthrough.

Oh my goodness. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Father, thank you so much for helping me come into touch with my true inner feelings.

It was my pleasure, young man.

Wait a minute. I just realized something.

What is it?

THE PRESBYTERIAN FAITH DOESN'T HAVE PRIESTS!

Who said they did?

You did!

Actually, all I said was "Why are you telling this to a Presbyterian priest?".

You told me you were a clergyman from Boner Heatedville, Kanto!

Strictly speaking, I only implied it.

And now that I think about it....

"BONER HEATEDVILLE"?!

That's an anagram for "I have been trolled," isn't it!

Yes it is.

And yes you have.

SO HELP ME I WILL SHOVE A SMALL, SHARP STICK UP YOUR ASS, KETCHUM!