Pokemon One-Shots and Headcanons

Pokemon Texting: Paul and Chimchar

Paul
Chimchar

You are now a member of my team.

I know, Paul. I'm very excited to-

So now I have to teach you a little about our training regimen.

Oh yeah, Elekid told me about that. It's the set of rules and training methods you request all your Pokemon adhere to at all times, right?

If by "request" you mean "demand at the very cost of your place on my team and possibly your life", then yes.

Rule number one: no smiling or laughing of any kind. It weakens the legs.

I'm not sure that's medically accurate.

Rule number two: any mention of the words "Ash Ketchum", "Dawn" or "bonding with Pokemon" is punishable by castration.

That has to be against the Pokemon league regulations.

We start training every day at 7am sharp.

Okay, that sounds all right.

We will have a meeting to discuss battle tactics every Wednesday afternoon.

I'll be there.

Fridays at midnight are when we sacrifice kidnapped orphans to our dark Lord Yveltal.

We do what now?

THERE WILL BE NO QUESTIONING OF OUR TRAINING REGIMEN!

As the new guy, you will be responsible for the orphan kidnapping. You will need chloroform and duct tape.

Paul, my strength is really more in battling, that sort of thing....

You will be required to do multiple jobs for me.

Pokemon battles and child abduction?

As well as some occasional baby Pokemon stomping.

I'd really rather not...

Furthermore, under my rule no one is allowed to take breaks during training. And anyone who tries will face swift and painful punishment.

Did you hear what happened to Swellow?

Who?

The Swellow that used to be on the team.

What about him?

He decided to take a rest three hours into a training session.

So I had Elekid use Thunder on that useless bird and left him lying in some forest. I'm not sure whether he made it out or not.

Okay, I will definitely refrain from taking breaks during training. Now if there's nothing else...

Do you have a mate?

What? No.

Good. Love, or any sort of affection, is also against our training regimen.

How can you possibly outlaw love?

BECAUSE AS ONE OF MY POKEMON, YOU SHOULD ONLY CARE ABOUT EVIL.

"Evil"?

Sorry. "Winning". Whatever.

I do want to win, Paul. But some of your rules seem a bit...

Do you know anyone with information on Brandon, the pyramid king?

No, not really. But I've heard he's really tough.

So have I. In that case, we'll need to increase our training hours from six hours to eight hours with absolutely no breaks.

Isn't that dangerous to your Pokemon, though?

On the Venn diagram of things I give a crap about, "winning" and "Pokemon safety" do not intersect.

Is there any chance I could get out of here?

I'm afraid not. As long as you are my Pokemon, I own the rights to your mortal soul for all eternity.

I should have just let the Zangoose knock me off the cliff.

Be ready tomorrow morning. We're doing some training to prepare for our next gym battle.

All right, then.

One more thing. Do you know where Torterra is?

I heard he was taking a drink of water down by the stream.

So he's taking a break too. By any chance, do you happen to know how to use Overheat? Or some sort of powerful fire-type move that would be super effective against grass types?

I'm not sure I like where this is going.