Book of Random Ideas

Death Of Me

Okay... This is just because I'm pissed off at my mom... And these are the thoughts going on in my mind.
I hate it here. No one really understands me. I know my mother only wanted to see me, but she should've said something. And then she dares yells at me! For what?! Doing my choir!
I would've broken down in tears, but once you lived here for years, you'll never cry again. Not unless you want to cry. Or you cause the pain.
But yet... Pain is just a wake up call. To let you know your alive. And that you can feel something. I don't want to feel anything. No saddness, anger, fear...
No happiness... What is that? I know i had felt it once... Right! When i was with my father and step father. And... That boy i liked...
Now though... Their all gone. My father had died from blood cancer. My step father left because of her. And the boy i liked moved to another school.
I have friends, but i don't feel that happy around them. Yes they help... But i still feel left out. Like they will forget me.
Then at school, people make fun of me. Only a few. They would say that I'm fat. Ugly. Stupid. And... The sad part is... Their right... I'm not that pretty. I'm an average person... And i know that I'm fat.
I felt something cold and smooth slide down my cheek. I'm crying. I made myself cry, because i thought of my dad. Because i remembered that I'm unloved. And alone.
I wipe away the tears and raise my hand. Since no one was here to see me, i slapped myself, hard. Yet it's not enough. I do it again, this time harder. I keep doing it until my cheek is red and numb. But its still not enough! Sneaking back out in the kitchen, i grab some scissors and a knife.
I then made my way to the bathroom and locked the door behind me.
Inside was a brush and hairtie. The last two things i needed.
Using the brush, i got all the tangles out and pulled my hair in a ponytail. The scissors in hand, i took a big chuck off my long red hair off. It reminded me too much of my mother.
I still wasn't satisfied yet. Taking the knife, i slowly dragged it across my pale, fair skin.
No tears came, just a creepy smile as i saw the blood. It was a soothing sight. No one could make me bleed, but me.
But I'm all alone and no one even sees me... No one hears me... No one cares for me... They all say i care for you and i say it back. But... Its all a lye... All of it.
I made the next cut swift. And another one. I made sure that they were going to be easy to hide with makeup.
"Scarlet! Hurry up!" yelled the voice of one of my sisters.
I sighed and cleaned up my mess. I made sure to hide the scissors and knife. When I opened the door, i ran out.
They won't notice anyway. I thought sadly.
No one sees me.