Today I worked as usual. You know, at the bakery. I stood at the counter and sold lots of buns, cakes and more. Right as it was it turned up two guys, who were holding hands. I don't know why, but I almost lost the power of speech. It was as if I saw the two of us, but it wasn't. It was a strange feeling and I didn't know how I would handle it. I played like I didn't care, but all I saw was their entwined hands.
When I got the chance, I went into the bathroom and I forced myself to pull myself together. It was like I finally had proof that it's okay to be gay. It was as if the doors were opened, for me, for the first time, and I took a step forward. It sounds weird, but it was just as that as I felt. I splashed water on my face and I smiled big. Yes, I smiled because you were in my mind.
Do you know what I did on the way home? No you don't know... I'm ashamed to admit it, but I went that extra road past your apartment. It felt right to do so and I noticed that you weren't there. Nevertheless, I stopped outside the house and I looked dreamily up at your window. I know you have a small apartment, but I wished that you were home. I had thought that the apartment was narrow enough for two guys. In your home, I have to be near you and there are no excuses not to sit next to you on the couch. I smiled by the thought, we, you and me, on your little couch. Maybe we could watch a movie one day and then make out? Yes, I can see it in front of me. Your lovely lips, your eyes as sparkle after more and maybe we could go further? Yes, I am almost desperate. It's over a week since I saw you and I miss you more than you can imagine.
Louis called today. That Eleanor certainly had her eyes on me, but I excused myself. "No, she's not my type!" I said and I was honest. She's not my type of girl, because she's just a girl. Louis was annoyed. "But for God's sake!" he almost shouted into the phone. "What is your type then?" I didn't know what to say. I lied and said I like girls with blond hair, with small breasts and girls as don't talk that much. But that wasn't the hole story. I just want to have you, but I can't speak about that out loud, not yet. Maybe I can be honest one day, but not this particular day.
I did it again today. I am ashamed. I showered when I got home and I saw you naked in front of me. I closed my eyes and I did what I needed to do. One hand on the wall and a hand down there. I saw before me your body. I saw your eyes and hot lips. I couldn't stop and I didn't stop. It's like a drug. I need you and when I can't have you by my side, I'll settle for a simple solution. I jerked off hard and I had to bite my lip. I was so engrossed in my imagination so it almost felt like you were there. I saw before me how I caressed your body. I felt you were inside me. I rode you fast and hard. It was as if you were there behind me and I felt how you breath against my neck. I felt your hands around my waist and how you pressed yourself against me. When everything was over, I felt as if everything just ended. It was like I woke up and realized that everything was just a dream and I hate dreams. I can't do this, not in this way, but I don't know how I can explain this to you.
Now I lie naked in my bed writing to you. Yes, you know I like being naked. I'm lying here with a paper and a pen and I'm going to cry. It feels so empty, desolate. It's as if I lost my goal. I know what I should do, but I can't. Oh Niall! If you only knew. Right now an No for an answer, from you, had been better than this. It just feels like I was groping in the dark and I see no light.
Do you know what I like about you? I love your mischievous eyes, your blue and beautiful eyes. I love your smile and your laughter. It's as if your laughter can get all problems to just go away and the only thing I hear is your pleasure. I miss your laugh and I miss your eyes. I miss your body and everything that you are, but for the moment would it had been satisfied with your laughter. Maybe I can call you, tell a joke and then hear how you laugh? That would have been a solution, but the time is far too late. And tomorrow you and I, we both, need to work. You're going to that school and teach students to play instrument, I'm going back to my work and sell buns. Such is life, and that seems to continue forever.
Niall, one more thing. I love you. Yes, I have to write that on this paper. I love you so much that it hurts. It hurts in my heart and it hurts in my stomach. I am totally satisfied by you, and I want nothing more than to be close to you.
Your Harry
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