Control (Evak & Philkas)

Chapter nineteen: Moving forward

  When Dr Clarks said talking to someone would help with his sleeping troubles, a part of Philip thought he'd get an immediate result. What was he thinking? This isn't some movie where your problems gets solved overnight. Things like this take time. 

And maybe Lukas coming over didn't help. 

The brunette boy spent hours laying awake in his bed, re-thinking about his conversation with Lukas. A conversation that turned into an argument, like always. It's like they can't talk without fighting. 

He hadn't really thought about it before but Lukas hurts him a lot- physically and emotionally. Philip won't ever forget the day Lukas hit him and he lost consciousness in the school's hallway. His jaw had hurt for almost two weeks. 

He won't forget the day Lukas dropped the bomb about having a girlfriend. They were making out on the blonde's bed and Lukas's internalized homophobia took over. ''I like girls, I have a girlfriend,'' he had said. 

If Philip had know about Rose, he would've never initiated a kiss at the cabin - nor let Lukas give him a handjob on the small bed. Lukas shouldn't have let anything happen. He let his hormonal teenage needs take over and shamelessly cheated on Rose with a boy he barely knew. Not only that but he claimed to love while being in bed with another boy; it's a little ironic and contradictive, uh?

Weeks have passed since that day at the cabin and Lukas still hasn't told Rose nor accepted himself. He keeps leading her on, thinking it's the best thing to do but in the long run, it'll only hurt her. Telling her would be the best option. It hurts on the spot but it hurts less than learning from gossips that your boyfriend cheated on you.

Philip wouldn't want to be in Lukas's pants if/when the news spreads out. She's gonna be so fucking pissed. It would be no surprise if Lukas gets slapped or something. Cheating fucking sucks and fucking hurts.

But after that: what? If Lukas and Rose break up, it doesn't mean Lukas will date Philip. And if they date, a part of Philip wonders if Lukas will cheat on him too because: once a cheater, always a cheater. Another part of him reminds him that, unlike with Rose, Lukas likes Philip, a lot. 

Philip rolled over for the fiftieth time tonight and wonders if he should just cross the blonde motocross rider off of his life. It would be so much easier than living with this pain inside him.

After this thoughtful night, it was no surprise Philip was tired when he arrived to school. First period was alright, second too but when lunch came, he could hear his bed call his name. He sat at an empty table with Even, both of the scrunching their face at the nasty looking food of the cafeteria. It should be chicken but it looks like dog food. Even Helen cooks better than that...

''Lukas came over yesterday,'' the brunette announced, pushing his food around in his plate.

Even looked up, raising his eyebrows. ''What?!'' 

''And he kissed me.'' 

''Double what?!''

Philip sighed, running a hand trough his tousled hair. He really should've used his hairbrush this morning... ''He tried to make me feel bad, say I'm selfish, make it sound like I'm forcing him out of the closet and that I'm hurting him but I threw the knife back at him and said that he should think about how much I'm hurting too.''

''Wow, he has balls,'' Even joked and Philip threw a piece of bread at him. 

''It's not funny,'' he scolded, trying to hold his laugh by putting a hand over his mouth.

''I'm not talking about Lukas,'' Even explained with a sly smirk. ''Seriously, I'm happy you told him how you feels, that he's hurting you because sometimes people are so caught up in themselves and how they feel and how things affect themselves that the forget about others.''