The Other Lovato

Tired!

**Time skip 1 week**

*KELCI*
(Trigger Warning)

Demi has been home a week now and things are going back to the way everything was before. Not the bad before when Demi hated me but the good times before when our family was 'normal' I guess. I like that everything is back to normal, just wish I was happy again. I made up with everyone after we watched the movie last week and since then there has been no arguments in the house. Touch wood.

The competition on the weekend went well my solo got 1st overall. Sam&I's duet got 3rd, which is actually really good because the competition was tough and Sam dropped me. The group dances did well also but I don't remember were they placed.

I'm not sure why but my anxiety seems to have gotten worse this past week. It might have just been because I had a really shitty week. I've literally done nothing but cry when I'm alone. Why? Because I'm a waste of space. I'm talentless. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I've got a million reasons to cry. But off course my family know nothing. They have know clue that I haven't eaten in 5 days or that I self harm everyday. They think that I'm the most confident happy girl out there when in reality I am the complete opposite. But that's how I want it to stay. They can never find out! I already hate myself. Just like a lot of others hate me.But I don't want my family to not know I've only just got them all back.

Today is Tuesday. It's 4:37am and I'm still awake. Usually when I'm feeling shitty I just sleep my days&nights away because at least when I'm sleeping I'm not thinking. But recently I haven't been able to sleep so my mind has been running practically 24/7 and let me tell you my mind isn't pretty. It's very dark. I just sit staring at my ceiling overthinking everything. As I always do I can't stop myself I think way to much and it never ends well. In fact it always ends the same way and that is sitting in my bathroom with my blades and lighters. I don't want to be like this but I can't change. It's the way I am now and self harming is all that helps.

I knew I would end up here. Always do. I look at the time it reads 5:17. I look down at the mess I have made. Blood everywhere I start to clean it up. Put my blades back in the hiding spot and clean the floor. Then I start the shower and jump in, I wash my hair then clean my body. As I'm cleaning my arms and the blood slowly fades i see the patterns I've made with my blades. I know it's not something to be proud of but hurting myself makes me feel better. Once I'm out of the shower I change into a shirt,jeans and I hoodie. Then I start covering up the scars and fresh cuts on my arms with Kat Von D foundation it's a lifesaver. Even though I wear jumpers all the time i always cover my scars because you never know when someone might try to catch you out. Then I do my everyday makeup, my family have always told me I was a pretty girl growing up but now that I'm older I know it's all been a lie. So I've been doing my makeup everyday recently, my family don't like it especially Demi. She says that I look beautiful without it but that's just bullshit. I do own a mirror although I wish I didn't. I don't let anyone see me without makeup anymore.

When I'm done its 5:53 which means I have got just over an hour before school starts. I grab my backpack and phone put on my big fake smile and walk downstairs to be with the family. They have been none stop moaning about me being in my room constantly so I've decided to come out of my room a little more. Not because I want to but because I have to so they don't get any ideas. I set my backpack down next to the garage door and go into the living room.

Demi is the only one in the room,she's watching I dunno what. Something to do with singing. I guess its good that she is alone because it means less questions;but it's also bad as Demi is the one who worries the most so in return asks the most questions. I take a seat on the couch next to her and tell her good morning. She looks away from the tv and looks to me, I guess she didn't notice me walk in.