The Other Lovato

Bacon

*Kelci*

This past week has been such a blur but it's flown by. It has been probably the hardest week of my life so far.  It's jut been so mentally draining to talk about everything because I'm so used to holding everything in.

Mike flew in on Monday to help set up my 'treatment plan'. I wasn't there when they discussed everything just because I didn't really want to hear what they had to say but after I got told what was going to happen.

Basically I'm going to have therapy 3 times a week& 1 group therapy session. When I first heard that i was beyond mad because that's so much therapy but apparently it will go down over time. I also have to see a phycologist& dietitian once a week which is what I'm dreading the most because I already know they are going to try & diagnose me. I hate to think about being diagnosed because I feel like that makes it real& I don't want it too be.Then if I do get diagnosed I'll have to see a physiatrist to talk about medication.  Ugh.

Then on top of all that I have to eat 3 meals a day& 2 snacks. I'm not allowed to be alone after eating food. Im not allowed to go on school because I'm on' sick leave'.I'm not allowed to have razors. Im not allowed to have locks on my doors. I'm not allowed on my phone.I'm not allowed to spend much time in my room alone because that's bad for me.I have to speak up everytime I have negative thoughts. So I've basically lost all my freedom but even though I have I'm just glad I'm not being sent off to rehab.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole being open thing. It's hard, so hard. I never knew it would be so hard to just admit the truth but it is. I have to tell people everything & I hate it. I'm not allowed to keep secrets anymore& I'm already finding it hard.It's not that I don't want to tell anyone, I do but it's just the telling that's hard. I find it so embarrassing even though deep down i know I shouldn't be at all embarrassed or ashamed but I am. I'm so ashamed. Ashamed that this is what my life has come to. I really didn't think I was this ill but after this week I'm realising I am.

Even though this week has been hard I've learnt a lot about myself. The biggest thing being that fact that I do want to get better. I don't wanna live like this anymore it's no fun, I wanna get back to who I used to be when I was enjoying life. But I not only want to get better for myself but for my family too. I hate the fact that I've made everyone so sad especially mom, I hate seeing her cry I don't want to see her crying over me anymore I'm done with it.

I've grown closer to Demi a lot over this past week just because I feel like I can relate to her the most. I find it a lot easier to open up to Demi than anyone else just because I know she won't judge me. Even though a lot of the time I find it hard to tell her things but she always drags it out of me. She keeps telling me that it will get easier to open up, which I guess is a good thing.

Right now it's 8:37 which means breakfast is soon. I don't know why but I always seem to find breakfast the hardest to eat. I mean I find all meals hard but breakfast is just another level of hard.

"Kelci, you awake?" Demi shouts as she knocks on my door

"Yeah"I shout back

"Okay, come on breakfast is ready"

I let a groan slip through my lips before I slowly get up out of bed. I quickly throw on a hoodie from the back of my door. It's out of habit that I cover my arms up every time I leave my room now because I've been doing it for so long.

As soon as I step out of my bedroom door I'm greeted with the horrific smell of bacon. I immediately start to panic. I cannot eat bacon.

I sit on the top step with my head in my hands. It shouldn't be this hard but it is. I know I need to go down & eat but I physically can't get myself to its as if I'm frozen.

After a couple minutes I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I'd hoped they would just walk right past me but they didn't. They sit with me& pull me into a hug. I don't need to look to know its Demi I can smell her signature scent.

At first she doesn't say anything. She just holds me but after a couple minutes she breaks the silence

"What's going on babygirl?" She softly asks, still holding me close. I sigh but don't speak.

"Come on kel baby, I can't help if you don't tell me" she sighs

"I can't eat bacon dem"

"Look I know it's hard baby but you need to at least try foods, even if they are super hard. You just need to try baby, your doing so well we aren't forcing you to eat anything we just want you to try. As long as your trying we are proud" Demi says kissing my head

"I'll try but can I eat in the living room, I don't want to upset mom anymore"

"Kelci your not upsetting mom it's not your fault, she's just finding it hard to see your struggling"

"I know but it might be better if she doesn't have to watch me eat because she always cry's after. I don't want her to cry anymore"

"Don't feel guilty, your sick it's not your fault! You can eat in there but just this morning okay? Lunch&dinner you are eating at the table! Why don't you go into the living room, I'll get your breakfast"

"Okay, but please don't give me a lot" I plead

"You know I'm only gonna dish you the amount you need to eat, don't worry!" She says, I sigh but nod me head agreeing with her before making my way into the living room.

*Demi*

"Is she okay?" Mom asks as I walk into the kitchen. Everyone turns too look at me waiting for my response.

"She's worried about eating bacon, she will be okay. She wants to eat in the living room this morning& I told her she could" I say as I plate up her food

"Why?" Dad asks

"She doesn't want to upset mom,so she thinks it will be easier if she dosnt have to watch her eat. I know she is feeling guilty, I'm going to talk to her about it later"

*Kelci*

Breakfast was hard to say the least but it was a little easier having less people watch me. Especially since mom wasn't there, it hurts me so much too she her upset everytime I eat which in then makes it harder to eat.

After breakfast Maddie and i camped out on the couch and had a movie marathon. It was super fun, I haven't spent time with maddie in awhile so it was glad to finally have time with her.

Off course the fun had to come to a end because I had therapy at 4. Which I hate but it's getting easier. Today was the first day I didn't come out sobbing so hey that's good I guess.

I got home 5 minutes ago and as soon as I stepped through the door demi pulled me upstairs to her room. Telling me she wants to 'talk'. Oh god more talking....

A/N: I'm back finally loll, I actually hate the writing in this but I already said I was gonna update tonight & I don't want to let you guys down anymore so I'm posting it anyways. I may edit this & re upload it in a couple days, let me know if you want me too.Sorry for any mistakes. Also again I'm sorry it's been sooo longgg since the last update. I have just had a lot going on& have been really unmotivated. But after seeing demi live again it motivated me to write more. Did anyone else see demi live? I went to two dates && both shows were amazing!! Also also it's so hot in England helpppp haha. Thanks too everyone who is still reading even tho I'm bad at updating you the bestt-K💙