Playing With Fire || z.m

"Just walk away."

ELLIE

“Have you been scratching your neck?” Jasmine asks me once she spins her chair round to face me, her eyes on my neck. I watch her quickly glance over my unusually messy desk and then fix her stare on my neck again.

“Sorry?” I ask, having no idea what she is talking about.

“You have a lovely red mark on your neck.” She points at me and my left hand immediately flies up to my neck. How did I miss a huge red mark on my neck when I was looking in the mirror this morning? Crap.

“Yeah, uh, yeah I have been, yeah.” I agree. The image of Zayn with his hands around my throat flashes in my mind. Terror weaves its way through my veins. My hands haven’t stopped shaking since last night.

“So tell me again,” Detective Jasmine interrogates yet again. “Yesterday you got to the train station and just passed out?” It’s as if we haven’t spoken about the previous days events twenty times already.

“Yes.” I pretend to do some work on my computer but truthfully I can’t concentrate on anything today. All I’ve got is a Word document open with random letters typed on it that I add to occasionally.  

“Just passed out.” Jasmine bashes her hand on my desk causing me to jump and knock some papers onto the floor. “Bit jumpy today, aren’t you?”

“I’m just not feeling well, Jaz.” I reach down to pick the papers up, regretting it immediately as an intense feeling of sickness burns at my insides.

“What is wrong with you today, Ellie?”

“It’s obviously just a stomach upset.” I snap, sitting up straight in my chair.

“So yesterday you just passed out, completely out of the blue. You smashed your phone. Then today you’re really bloody jumpy and have red marks up your neck.” I feel my temper bubbling; I really haven’t got the patience for an interrogation today. What does she expect me to do, stand up and yell ‘I’m pregnant and the father tried to strangle me’ to everyone?

“Jaz, please just leave me be.” I mutter as I busy myself with things on my desk, straightening piles of paper, putting pens back in the pen pot.

“Are you having some kind of allergic reaction?” She carries on. I can’t stop myself, I just can’t stop my actions at this current moment.

“I said leave it!” I shout, sending my chair flying as I stand up, storming out of the office. I march down the hall way, my heels clicking loudly on the tiled floor, pissing me off even more than I already am.

*

I’d managed to calm myself down by the time Jasmine comes creeping into the staff room that I’ve been pacing around for the past 20 minutes. She slowly walks around the stuffy, ugly-looking staff room and leans against a kitchen countertop and begins inspecting her finger nails. Her long, dark hair is tucked behind her ears, her make-up smudged under her right eye making her look tired.  

We say nothing, neither of us daring to speak first.

“So,” Jasmine finally begins, knowing full well I will never be the first to give in. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” She speaks slowly, softly, a nice calm tone to her voice.

I look down at the table I am sitting at, not wanting to make eye contact with my best friend.

“You know you can talk to me.”

“Can I?” I choke out. “Can I really talk to you with out being judged or looked down upon?” Jasmine looks shocked and now it’s her turn to look away. “I just want some one to understand my choices and my mistakes.”

Jasmine opens her mouth to speak but is interrupted by my new iPhone pinging in my pocket. I yank it out, quickly unlocking it.

  *Where are you*

It’s an unknown number but I know exactly who it is. Zayn.

“Has it got something to do with this married man?” Jasmine asks. I take a deep breathe and let it out in a loud, long sigh.

“It has everything to do with him.” I shut my eyes waiting for a lecture. She says nothing. I open my eyes and look at her, still leaning against the counter. “Shout at me then, tell me I’m being stupid.” She shakes her head and slightly smiles at me.

“No.”

I look down at my phone and begin typing a smart, sarcastic reply but delete it quickly, trying again and again but in all honesty I am terrified of saying something that will agitate him and we will end up in a situation like last night all over again. If he can wrap both of his hands around my throat and hold me against a wall while he threatens me, I’m pretty sure he has potential to do a lot worse.

“I’m sorry I was a bad friend,” Jasmine starts. “It’s just, I watched it happen to my mum. I watched a woman steal my dad off of my mum and I watched her fall to pieces. I watched as she cried herself to sleep, as she became more and more depressed each day and it broke me too. I don’t want you being involved with anything like that, I’m sorry.”

“I wish I listened to you Jasmine.” I blurt out, surprising myself. “If I listened to you then I wouldn’t be in the mess that I am in now. I’m sorry about what happened to your mum. It’s just, such a complicated situation.”

“Just walk away.” Jasmine strides across the room and pulls the chair out opposite me at the table, sliding onto it. “Just walk away and don’t look back.”

“I can’t, it’s not as simple as that.”

“Of course it is.”

I shake my head, refusing to let a single tear fall from my eyes. My heart may be shattering with every word I say but I do not need to cry over something like this.

“Do you love him?” Jasmine questions.

Do I love Zayn? Do I? I’d pushed any potential feelings for Zayn to the back of my mind the moment we began shagging. I didn’t want to feel anything for him, it was only convenient sex. I hate Zayn, I really, really hate Zayn. I hate Zayn so much that I love him. I love Zayn.

I nod slowly. I shut my eyes tight. I will not cry. I will not cry.

“You have to tear yourself away, Ellie, you cannot do this.” Jasmine begs with me. “Walk away now before it gets even worse.”

“How can it get worse?” I demand, my temper threatening to rise again.

My phone pings again from on the table in front of me. I look down at the screen seeing that Zayn has text me the exact same message again. A sudden feeling of anger rages through my body, making my skin prickle. “Please take this phone away from me before I break it into a million pieces.” I grit my teeth and slowly slide the new iPhone towards Jasmine.

“So what’s the damage so far?” I look away from Jaz, I can’t tell her anything that has happened between Zayn and I. “A problem shared is a problem halved.” She jokes.

“See that’s the problem, in this case a problem shared is a problem doubled.” I truthfully tell her.