Playing With Fire || z.m

"I got myself into a bit of a mess."

ELLIE

It’s done.

This is what I wanted, right? So why do I feel so empty, so numb?

My heart has never felt so heavy, like it’s going to fall through my body.

It’s done.

I thought I would feel relief after, but if anything I feel worse. I feel absolutely empty, like something is missing, an organ or something. Why do I feel worse?

The horrible thing was that I was awake for the whole procedure, listening to them abort my baby. Thankfully I had a local anaesthetic, but I could still feel things going on down there, feel them sucking the foetus out.

I was pregnant, carrying a child, growing a baby inside of me. My own baby. But now, I’m not.

It’s done, it’s gone.

I’m not pregnant anymore.

“How are you, my love?” A nurse appears at my bedside and adjusts the pillows behind me.

“Fine, thank you.” I answer automatically. I’m not fine, like fuck am I. Far from it! “The anaesthetic is starting to wear off.” I try to smile.

“It will be, and it’ll leave you with a feeling similar to a period pain but you can have a pain killer in an hour and you should start to feel better.” The middle aged nurse gives me a kind, genuine smile and I just want her to wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything will be okay. “Who will be collecting you?”

“Oh, nobody, I’ll get a cab home.” She doesn’t say anything for a moment, just looks down at me.

“Let me call someone for you. You may be feeling okay physically but this procedure can be very emotionally difficult. It would be better to have somebody with you.” You’re telling me it’s emotionally difficult!!!

“I have nobody.” I lie. A lump appears in my throat but I try my hardest to swallow it back down. I won’t cry; I don’t need to.

“I’ll be back in an hour with your pain killers. Think about calling a relative, okay?” She scuttles off, out of the ward leaving me alone to my dark thoughts.

*

“Eleanor?” I jump awake, to see the same nurse next to my bed again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, I’ve got your pain killers and lunch will be coming around in ten minutes.” She helps me sit up slightly in the uncomfortable bed and hands me a glass of water and a shot glass with two tablets inside it. Although I secretly wish it was a shot glass full to the brim with sambuca.

I hadn’t even realised I had fallen asleep but I’d rather be asleep in a dream world than awake, in an unhappy reality.

I neck the pain killers hoping that they will cure this brain ache I’m getting, too.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” Again, I give her my automatic answer.

“No pains?” Actually yes, my hoohar is rather uncomfortable and this stomach ache is rather unpleasant.

“I’m okay, thanks.” What is it with me that stops me from just admitting that, no, I’m not okay. I’m far from okay! I want to stand on the bed and scream it to the whole ward.

“After lunch you should be fine to go home.” The nurse quickly takes my bloody pressure and checks my heart beat, scribbling down on a clipboard. “Did you call anybody?”

I shake my head, no. “I don’t have anybody to call.”

“Eleanor, have you not told anybody you were coming here today?” Her voice is laced with sympathy. I don’t like it, I want her to tell me to get a grip. “There is nothing to be ashamed about, you know. Women get terminations all the time. If it’s not the right time for you to raise a child then you are doing the right thing.”

“I got myself into a bit of a mess.” She nods, understanding.

“Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes it’s better to just own up to it. I’m sure your loved ones would understand.” The nurse, whose name I don’t know, puts her warm, soft hand on my arm.

“I can’t, too many people would get hurt and I can’t do that to them.”

“If you need to talk, I can arrange a counsellor to come up and see you?” I don’t want a fucking therapist!

“Thanks, but I’m okay.” I force a smile, tears starting to fill my eyes but I won’t let them fall. I watch the chubby nurse disappear again and bury myself into my pillows hoping that they will swallow me up.

Oh how I wish I could just phone my mum up. She’d be unbelievably disappointed in me and probably drag my dad along too and then they’d both stand here giving me a lecture.

Jasmine would do the whole ‘I told you so’ speech.

I’m such a fucking idiot.

*

I wake up to a banging on my front door. I must have fallen asleep just after I got home; the bedroom lamp is still on, TV showing a re-run of the Kardashian’s and I’m still wearing my clothes under the duvet. I know exactly who is at the door. It’s Zayn. I know it without even having to check. I lean over to my bedside table, switching off the lamp and grabbing my phone. Its half 4 in the bloody morning! What the hell is he doing knocking at my house at this time?

“Ellie?” I hear his voice, quietly creeping through the house. “Ellie, I know you are home!”

Go away, Zayn! I snuggle deeper into the duvet and use the remote to turn the volume down on the TV.

“Ellie?” Go away!!! I told them all I was out tonight so that no one would bother coming over here. Maybe I should have just gone to stay at my Mum’s anyway? He knows I’m here, I haven’t even tried to make it look as though I’m out.

“Ellie, have you got another guy in there?” He’s doing that to get a reaction out of me, I know he is but it’s not going to work today. I just don’t have the energy, I can’t deal with anybody right now. No, I haven’t got another fucking man in here. Does he really think that little of me? I’m not a fucking whore!!

He doesn’t hang about for long, leaving me to wallow in self pity.

‘Ellie’ His thick northern accent echoes around my head giving me chills. I feel so empty and numb inside still, yet I feel so heavy. Something is really dragging down, really pulling on my heart. It hurts but I can’t figure out the reason exactly. Every time the abortion jumps across my mind my insides plunge to the floor and it feels as though they will never go back to the right places. My organs are all jumbled. My heart now lives somewhere in my stomach and my brain is somewhere in my feet. I’m not making any sense.

Nothing makes any sense.

I was pregnant.

I, average Ellie, was pregnant with Zayn Malik’s baby.

But now I’m not.

How does that make any sense??

My throat feels red raw and my eyes begin to burn. No, no I won’t let this happen, I will not cry. I don’t need to cry over this!

Thanks for all the reads/comments/votes! I love you all. Also, I have started a new fanfic called 1662 and would love it if you checked it out.   

  I wanted to dedicate this chapter to @perksofbeingaweirdo because I am totally in love with her books at the moment!! You should all go check them out for sure!!!