Playing With Fire || z.m

"What are you hiding, Ellie?"

ELLIE

My hands are still shaking, even this morning, after Zayn and I almost got caught by Louis. My mind is working over time, stopping me from sleeping.

It’s still dark outside even though my phone tells me its 6.27am. I can hear the rain hammering on my bedroom window. I love the rain when I don’t have to be outside in it. It’s a lovely thought, isn’t it, when the weather outside is shit but you are wrapped up in bed, all warm and cosy.

Except I have this horrible gut wrenching feeling all the time. It’s constant. It’s like a dull, stress, stomach ache and when I actually think about why I have the stress stomach ache, my heart suddenly plummets to my knees making me feel weak and emotional.

I shift over onto my side and watch Harry sleeping in my bed next to me. He’s laying on his front, his head facing me, arms tucked up under his body. Why do people always look so peaceful when they sleep? His lips are parted slightly, breathing slowly and his eyes are shut softly.

“Can we have sex tonight?” He’d asked me last night as we were getting ready for bed. I didn’t know what to say to him. How could I say no even though I’d made him wait for several weeks as it was? I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t really want it earlier on with Zayn but he just does something to me that makes my insides turn to mush and I lose any control I have over myself.

“I just need a little bit more time.” I had smiled, apologetically. “I’m sorry, I’ll explain another day.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to rush you.” He had smiled back at me, although his face had shown disappointment. It gave me a horrible feeling in my chest, like I was really letting him down.

I just feel dirty at the moment. I’m carrying another guy’s baby while I’m in bed with Harry. I don’t even know what Harry and I are, are we together or are we just seeing each other?

I’m not sure what I even want with Harry any more. I like him a lot, I really do, and as I lay here, watching him sleep he makes me feel happy. I like having him around. I enjoy spending my time with him. What is it they say, ‘He’s Mr Right, just not Mr Right Now’? I guess that applies here.

I just want to go to this clinic on Tuesday, abort this baby and move on with my life. I’ll finish it with Harry and Zayn. I’ll spend more time with Jasmine, and actually visit my parents instead of lying about it.

I want, so much, to just get this secret off my chest. I want someone in my life that I trust enough with this. I want to shout it out! I want to give this problem to some one else, I’ve had enough now. I want to pick it up off of my shoulders and pop it onto someone else’s. They can carry it for me.

“Morning,” Harry stretches, suddenly groaning loudly. “Ah, my fucking arms are numb!” He flaps about trying to get the life back into both of his arms making me chuckle. Fucking idiot. How the feck am I going to be able to break up with this cutie?!

*

“You’re off work tomorrow?” Jasmine spins on her chair and leans on my desk, her dark hair falling over her face. “I just read the weekly email.”

“Yeah,” I reply, not taking my eyes off of my computer screen. It was Monday afternoon and I couldn’t wait to leave here today. It meant I was that little bit closer to getting to the clinic tomorrow to sort this mess out.

“Why?” I forget how nosey this girl is.

“It’s just a hospital appointment.”

“Oh?” My biggest pet hate was people asking why you had to visit the doctor or the hospital. I mean, she is my best friend so it usually doesn’t bother me but please!!! Can’t I have a little bit of privacy? Just once?

“Just stuff, you know.” Quick, what can I change the subject to! “Would you email me the contact details for…?”

“No, I don’t know, what stuff?” She interrupts. Nosey fucking cow.

“Just private stuff, I don’t have to tell you.” I say quietly. I really don’t want to get into it. And I’m agitated as it is today, I really don’t want another run-in with Jaz.

“Alright, you don’t need to give me attitude.” She spins away again and I make a mental note to start making more of an effort with Jasmine. I haven’t been with it recently, causing us to clash which really isn’t like us!

“Sorry!” I call to her, realising how whiney my voice sounds sometimes. Ugh.

By the time 5pm comes around my bag is ready to go, my computer shut down and jacket slung around my shoulders so I manage to slip out of the office unnoticed. The streets of London are unusually busy this evening, causing multiple people to bash into me as I stride along the grey pavements.

A shrill ringing noise alerts me, and I reach into my bag feeling around for my ringing mobile phone. Once I finally locate it, I pull it out and look at the screen. It’s an unsaved number but I know it’s Zayn.

“Zayn?” I ask, confused. It’s not like him to call me.

“Where are you?” Is all he asks, his voice cold.

“I’ve just left work, why? Is something wrong?”

“No. Come round after work. But wait until its dark; we don’t want any neighbours seeing. We need to finish off what we started on Friday.” So now he is worried about the neighbours when we shagged in his garden while Perrie and Harry were inside?? God, this man!!!

“Not tonight,” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose as I pace along the street in the direction on the station.

“Why not? Oh are you at your mums already?” He snorts.

“Why are you laughing?” I’m really not in the mood for your shit Zayn!!!

“That was a blatant lie. You aren’t seeing your parents.” Bugger. “What are you hiding, Ellie?”

“Nothing!” I snap. What is it with everyone! When I do want some attention no one gives a flying fuck, but now! Everyone wants to be all up in my business! “I will be at my mums tomorrow. I have a day off work and I will be there all evening. I can’t be Harry’s plus one at your poxy party because I always let my parents down and it’s about time I spent some time with them.” I’m ranting now and need to stop before I properly wind myself up. I feel awful using my parents as a lie. I do always let them down. It makes me feel worse that I’m not even spending time with them! I’ll definitely go and see them at the weekend.

“Jeez, alright! Enjoy your time with your parents. But first do you fancy enjoying some time with me?”

“Not tonight, Zayn. I’m not feeling well and I just want to go to bed.” I end the call before he can say anything else but he calls back immediately so I decline it, putting the phone onto silent and dropping it back into my bag.

Sorry this is only a short chapter, its more of a filler. I hate doing filler chapters but it helps us get to the exciting bits.