Playing With Fire || z.m

"I just can't do it anymore."

ELLIE

The moment the door slams shut behind him I know that I can’t be here; I can’t do this. I want Zayn, I do, but I can’t do this right now. My conversation with Harry won’t stop echoing around my head in this empty room, the same words keep screaming inside my brain: ‘You are poison and everything you touch turns to shit.’

It hurts, it really fucking hurts and in the morning everyone will know that I’ve had an abortion. I’m so embarrassed, mortified, humiliated. Abortion is one of those taboo subjects, isn’t it? Nobody discusses it because everybody has a different opinion about it so it’s just left unspoken about. Like religion and politics. I did the right thing though, I know I did but Zayn has made me feel like shit about it. It was selfish, yes, but it’s my body, it was my pregnancy. 

I just can’t be here right now. Hurriedly, I gather up my stuff so I can leave before Zayn reappears and slip quietly out of the door. I sneak down the freakishly long corridor towards the stairs feeling as if I’m never going to get out of this building. 

As I reach the first step my legs wobble, nearly giving way but I won’t let myself fall, I will not let my self fall. I know that the moment I give my self the chance to stop and think, or if I hurt myself, or if somebody speaks to me the tears will start and most likely will not stop. I cannot let that happen. The banister becomes my aid as I lean on it, taking the stairs as quickly as my trembling legs can manage without falling down.  At the last set of stairs I slow down, keeping my eyes peeled for Zayn in the lobby, wanting to escape unnoticed. I see his figure out the back in a smoking area and luckily he is facing away from me meaning I can quickly leave out the main doors.

A wave of relief washes over me to feel the cool air on my skin. I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly and carry on walking up the road towards the station, eyes fixed on the grey pavement. ‘You are poison and everything you touch turns to shit.’ I know. I know I’m fucking poison, I know!

I can’t believe this is happening.

‘You are poison and everything you touch turns to shit.’

‘Fucking arsehole.’ Zayn’s words as he left the room fill my mind sending chills up my spine.

How the hell is Zayn going to react when he finds out I’ve don’t a runner? I’ll come back to him, I will. I just. I can’t deal with this right now. I need to get as far away as possible. I just need these thoughts to stop whizzing around my mind!

‘You are poison and everything you touch turns to shit.’

‘Fucking arsehole.’

My breathing becomes hitched in my throat, a funny panic feeling rushing up through my chest. I can see the station, I just need to keep walking, I need to get on a train and get as far away from this place as I can.

But their voices; Harry and Zayn’s voices. They both echo around my head, killing me, suffocating me.

 ‘You are poison and everything you touch turns to shit.’

‘Fucking arsehole.’

I need to get them out of my head! I can’t do this, I can’t listen to them both, I don’t want to hear their voices. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t.

As I reach the train station, a train stops at the platform and opens its doors, letting streams of people off. They all look so normal, no cares or worries. Fucking bunch of arseholes. They all walk past me, barging into me, knocking me side to side as I walk slowly, weaving between them all, walking against the flow. It’s as if I’m invisible. I bloody feel it.