Mess / Rant

Fuck It

3-8-17

So holy shit life fucking happened goddamn. Where to begin.

So yesterday was bad bc mental health I won't even get honest about, but aye. Fuck it. I rose up today. I decided I've gotta be more than this. I have to tell a better story. I'm too prideful to go down without a fight.. I just need the music more than anything rn. Speaking of which the bass to the bassnectar remix to lights by Ellie Goulding is the vibiest shit ever but yeah my headphones are vibrating rn bc of that shit. Dubstep.. Ugh. Yes.

I just want to quit wasting time in a classroom of people who do nothing but gossip and stare, like I'm something they've never seen before.. I watch from another perspective though. Shit is weird.. I just want to create. And I don't fully see the point of it yet other than hey I'm alive another day, and I'm not sure what that even means but it's this instinctual love at this point.. It's there, and sometimes I retreat so far I don't see it. But it's there. It's always fucking there. The music, and the pen never left.

I've realized apologies are worthless when nothing is done to fix it. Words start to mean less and less to me when I know there's nothing behind it. I've been on the other end of this before but I like this side of things a lot better. It's weird to say I've got good intentions in my relationships and friendships at this point. That's weird to me. Bc since destany, it seems nothing ever felt serious enough and I know that wasn't very long ago but I just lost so fucking much, I ran to fill the void I suppose. Idk. So I guess you call this part progress, even though the honesty has gotten me to the worst places I've been mentally. Although I still love those places.. Not many people understand what it's like to appreciate pain. But my life has been full of it, and I don't see a reason I wouldn't take the pain with me everywhere. Pain pushes people, but I'm made of extremes. Highs and the lows.

Feelings are a mess. I hate necessity.

I need to write. I want to write. It's all I want to do, and that's almost foreign rn. I want to work and work and work. I feel I've learned so much, and there's nothing I can do but keep my head on straight with it all. I've seen the world and its all somewhere within me, and I know somebody out there would love to see it all because it's cool shit, but I watch people get relaxed in their ignorance, a sweet comfort zone nobody questions. But fuck the facade. We're chasing real life.

I think I have more power than I'm aware of and that comes from too many sources than I know how to explain properly. It's strange how heavy an existence can weigh. Anyone's existence. Life is worth so much yet all at the same time it's absolutely worthless. Im contradicting and paranoid and looking into the universe and its signs again. It inspires me yet I go a little crazy. I am a little crazy.

I let go a little today, and I'm not expecting it to last. But I'm back to not caring as much, and I needed to get there again. I just need to balance it out a bit but I can't care more than I don't give a shit bc it takes over and caring too much is something I don't wanna get into again. I'm bitter and a closed book and cold and far away. But if you like those depths, I might just give two shits. Not three though bc I gotta keep that shit lowkey 😂 caring causes problems. I reserve my love, and my interest these days. Goddamn.

Tbh I send texts like these to Misti. I'm usually just random here. But fuck it. I say that a lot.

I feel strong. I feel godlike. This is refreshing.

- Randy

👀🍾