Mess / Rant

A Very Depthy Ranty Look Into Myself

3-16-17

Boy howdy is life weird

I say boy howdy too often. Help me. I'm white meme trash and it's a problem.

Okay so I've got a rant to post here, written this morning to some MGK songs from black flag, and yeah idk. I hardly slept enough last night and woke up from another bad dream and idek. This week has been hard, but today was good, so I'm grateful. But that rant.

3-16-17
We've gotta prove them wrong, you've gotta be worth something. I think if I were less stubborn I'd have killed myself already. But there's no way we go out without giving it what we got. It's been about a year and work wise, I haven't gotten a lot done, but I wanna change that. It's been crazy so it's fine, because life is in motion like that and a lot of change happened. But if we look back like this road has only led to dark places we're kidding ourselves. It's been something so much more than that. And fuck, Meranda, you're strong as fuck. We're hardly gonna get out alive but we're doing it. The music is here, I know you can't see it, I know you're cold as shit but it's here and you can love it and love it and love it. It's in your veins. Do something with that.. Do something with yourself. You see it all differently. Take a minute to breathe and remind yourself who you are. It's been a long time since you've fully appreciated who you are or even been sure of it. They'll hear the story, I swear to god. You're gonna make it and you might come home tonight and throw on a dark track and feel drained and today might be hard, today might be shit, but keep doing it. Day in and day out, don't you fucking stop. You told them not to go out like this, yet a day or two ago you had the knife at your throat. Keep going. Keep fucking going. They'll hear you, I know nobody's listening I know nobody has any faith I know nobody sees what it is that you're really doing but fuck em. You've witnessed it all... Don't let go. Swallow the fear and keep walking, because you know you shouldn't be here, because you know what the music can do, you know what people are worth, you know how to see the depth, because today is another day full of every possibility and not just in your life- it's so much bigger than that, keep going because one day you'll be able to say you did it, and that crowd is gonna feel that love. Keep going because you're not gonna let them be right about you and you're not just another suicide statistic you're not a number and you're not a mental illness, you're experience and love and music and good bass and sunsets and stars and internet friends (here's to the kids with more friends through a screen than friends at school) and you're seven kids' stories all living and breathing, you're deer lodge and you're wild, you're art, you're 'the table everybody wants at Starbucks'. You're faith and belief and second chances and validation and a voice for the voiceless because that's where you're at rn. You're something the music is alive for, and you bring things to life. Stop throwing a facade around, they're not worth lies or the truth. You're worth the world to something, and holy shit, it can give you everything you're waiting on.
- (m.m)

I signed it bc fuck it. Honesty can be powerful, hopefully this hits somebody as hard as it hits me. Tbh I just want it to exist somewhere, and I hide too much sometimes.

Also feelings. Again. We're gonna talk about this bc I'm petty. Eye contact. It's so fucking intense.. Sometimes I wonder what they can see when they meet my eyes, like does it look dangerous, or do they light up? Do they hold some kind of depth that could keep you there if you stared too long? Perhaps that's happened already. I wonder if anyone swims in the thought of how I walk, what I hold within myself. I watch all of these people and study them, their dynamics. It's strange because with this one, it's not from a distance, so the attachment is there and as much as that overflows me in some sort of excitement and exhilaration at something new, new waters to explore (blue eyes 👌), new traits to discover, new reasons for the actions, it's also terrifying, because I know I'm safe when I observe from behind a glass pane, if that makes any sense. It's hard to handle necessity, and that's one thing I've been trying to accept. I don't like to need their attention but we go around in circles and our eyes don't hide from each other, and our words play off a little differently than what's around us. At one point we made eye contact at our table and I got lost in the color, as their eyes sort of said "we're doing this? You're not gonna flick your eyes away? This is okay?" And we held it there, and I lost my surroundings and fuck it was so intense and I know they felt it, but we don't do anything about it. We don't need to. It's weird, life keeps moving and that's strange. I'm still holding onto the past but my knuckles aren't white, trying to make sure it has no chance of leaving. Life has granted me more days and I have to take advantage of that. And with this person, nothing is about possession. Just enjoying somebody's undiscovered depth, understanding what there is to learn from them can be enough, paying attention to details. They've even inspired poetry. And it's weird. I used to think I couldn't write about people, and now I'm fascinated by them, and I couldn't tell you when that all switched over like it did, but it's here and it's been here for awhile.

I've grown up so much I'm realizing. I've got a lot more depth, a lot more to handle, in a sense. I try to say it's not too much but sometimes it carves at my chest and I can't do anything. But I'm working on it all. I've changed so much, I'm trying to get where I need to be, and not somewhere I've been.. Somewhere that fits and is efficient for here and now. That's also something I've realized, you'll have all kinds of years full of all kinds of emotions and settings and places and things. Take it as it comes. If you can accept change, I think you're less fearful of what's next. And that's not easy, really, because change is hard. It's hard to move from routine, but sometimes you've just gotta do things you're not even ready for.

Wow this started out with me being white trash and now we're getting real deep. I doubt this is gonna make enough sense but oh well. Maybe someday somebody will read it all and relate or even take an interest in how it all works. I can be worked down to a fine art if you're willing to figure it out. Idk. I hope that doesn't sound as self conceited as it does in my head lmao

Music suggestions? Like something dubstep-ey, vibey, maybe like melodic and just some hype shit? Idk. Good bass? Please? Lol

Deuces

✌️🤘