A lot has been going on lately.. And I wish I could get specific but I don't even give myself the opportunity to process it. Perhaps I'll go into overdrive.
Well I wrote that poem for self deception last week about kissing somebody in my room and I'll talk about that, and about last night bc same person same dealio you feel. Well that poem was one of those that hold weight with every line and I meant it all. Sometimes I'm not sure if you can understand what's honestly about my life and what's from another perspective. Well anyways that dude snuck in my room last night and we kept all the lights off, because my mom was still awake although I knew she wouldn't walk in here. So we whispered about life as he filled the room, so it smelled like him, and we eventually ended up just tangling ourselves together and he'd randomly kiss me and we'd laugh and he left around 2, and gave me his hoodie to wear today which smelled amazing.
But I'm quite heavily sleep deprived at this point bc I don't take time to fix it, and I have a lot of decision before me, and a lot of doubts on decision. But I keep it at bay.
Isn't it funny how you can miss somebody from a room, like I only see this person one period and it's funny how he hardly can even look at me lately yet he's gone, for a field trip, and it feels a little emptier.. It sort of carves at me if I'm being honest... Everything does.
I don't want to handle people. Yet every second I breathe I'm being suffocated by them. I enjoy being alone, and sometimes I truly need space, but I never know how to say it. And I kind of like how busy it can feel.
I'm not empty lately, that's a word that hits hard but I know it doesn't fit. I'm.. Missing some pieces. And I dwell on the holes in my life even though they've always been there, but it seems to reoccur to me in entirely new ways, like I'm experiencing it in a new atmosphere.. Over and over. And it's all a chain reaction that gets worse continuously.
Idk. Fuck. - Randy
4-22-17 Regret eats at me, and honesty is just spilling from me lately and i don't even have to drink for it to happen. I've cried quite a bit lately and I haven't cried in a long ass time bc I feel like a bitch, and I've just made it normal to suppress everything. But it's gotten to the point where it's larger than I am, it's too much to push down because every word I physically speak wants to choke me.
I'm supposed to see some relatives today, I guess somebody died and they've been dead for two months and they were related to me, somehow apparently, and my mom never told me about it. She said it yesterday like it was obvious they had waited for the funeral for two months and I'm supposed to have known it but she didn't say jackshit. It's weird. I try not to think about death too often, because that obsession needs to come in doses. But it's the center of existence, to be honest. Okay I said I wasn't gonna rant. So fuck this.
I look at you and I smell like him. He's next to me. I'm wearing his chains and his hoodie but I'm looking at you, I'm looking at you talking to a sophomore and keeping your eyes at the ground. Your new haircut doesn't cover your eyes anymore, but those don't look the same lately anyways. Ashley is in front of me fucking with my phone and I'm supposed to be okay with how things have turned out but it's not over. Nothing ever ends, but everything starts. That's why experience is so heavy. You carry your roads with you.
I managed to successfully sneak two people in my house last night. Go me.
I've been really getting back into K. Flay's music, like she's honestly such an intriguing human and I love the whole vibe to her lyrics. She does something that the weeknd does, and it's like taking drugs and shit and not writing about it like its mainstream. I feel like that's why I'm drawn to it. It's the shit you've heard a thousand times but in a new light and that's cool as fuck. Idk I wonder if I'm even making sense lmao she's rap inspiration though.
I don't know if I should like who I've become. But I think that's probably normal. We've all got our downfalls, and we've all gotta face the shit it brings. Life is bullshit, but it's a journey, and whatever you stand for, you've gotta fight for it. Figure out where your heart is, figure out where your emotion is strongest and chase it. I think that's the meaning. To life. And I know it's pointless, everything is. But who fucking cares? Why let the fact that it doesn't matter be the reason you're holding back?
This year hasn't been too great, but I've got hopes for May but May is when school is ending, and I'm honestly scared of summer. Like summer means too much free time and a bit of weight gain and boredom and shit and if I don't get a job, it's gonna drain me.
I'm on like potentially 3ish hours of sleep? Idek when I fell asleep, but I remember everything before it and then suddenly I'm waking up and texting Misti even though it's five in the morning. Time's weird. Why do we even need sleep?
I'm spacey. 👽
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lol.
XD
I need cereal.
Leave // Post Malone Luvin You // 6LACK EyesClosed // Bones (LISTEN TO HIS NEW ALBUM ON SOUNDCLOUD, CALLED UNRENDERED revengeavenue IT REMINDS ME OF NOETIC MACHINE BC ITS COMPUTER VIBES AF AND I KNOW ITS NOT YOUR STYLE BUT I LOVE BONES LMAO)
