Mess / Rant

Anti sleep club

4-4-17
Where does time go? And hey if days can live and die without an afterlife, why would we believe in a God and a heaven and a hell? I have one word for religion rn: Bull. Shit. But I respect it.

Also yo girl is fucking sleep deprived and idk. My wifi isn't even working rn so idk why I'm writing this but reality feels spacey. Sometimes I need to drag rock bottom physically. Sometimes I need to know what it's like to be alive, and the only way to do it is to know its polar opposite. But they're the same thing simultaneously. Fuck food. Fuck sleep. I just zone out at the floor most of the time. Get anxious, but I don't feel it. The emptiness that accompanies tiredness isn't really empty. Because it's an effect of something. Something put it there, so something is pushing you. Something is testing what you're alive for. And I don't mean a tired that can be fixed by coffee. Or sleep. It's a tired that makes you wonder if any amount of sleep or healthy habits could reverse what you've done. Good thing I'll probably die young, my body's gonna be a shitshow later on in life. Fuck.

People are wonderful, but they are weaponrry. Guess we all are though. Life's fucked.

I wanna rise up from my body and watch it all. Sleep is a waste anyways. School is a waste. But a distraction, so for that I'm thankful. I'm terrified of this summer. It's gotta be better than last summer. Fuck, I'll drink and smoke till it's a problem if I have to. I gotta work. Or something. Idfk. There's not enough time, ever. But too much of it. Life is too short yet we've been here so long, it should be over.

Columbine was a second chance for me. Getting into the tcc was what I needed. It was unexpected but right. We were driving on the highway passing a city ('town'), and it was dark and I was listening to Bones loudly in my headphones. Bout January. Too anxious to deal with people. I watched the world as Mikey drove fast and stayed quiet, and the cars passing were lit up and everything was glowing just a bit, like the snow made the world glisten and it wasn't even dreary at that point. That's one of those memories I make myself memorize and capture. Almost makes me want to enjoy winter. Or really, the darkness of it.

I got Axe body wash today. I showered just to use it. I fucking love it. Ugh.

I lowkey wanna sleep but it's 9pm (Waaaaay early) but tomorrow seems a little promising. I'm not even tired really. Or maybe I'm used to it. I can't even tell rn.

My school is ghetto as fuck. I can't even. Goddamn. Everything is happening rn though, and options options options. Things change. Constantly. It's crazy. How the fuck do I even exist? Idk. Idk with a lot of things. My bed is such a wreck I have everything and it's dog on my bed. Fuck. I should get my cat. Idek.  This is a pointless collection of letters and I've done the alphabet wrong in using them. I should stop. Somebody light me on fire sometimes. Bc I have no chill. Well fire would make it  worse. So I guess our only option here is the ice bucket challenge. Yeah. Do that. I need sleep. And ice.

I like keys.

Cool.

Listen to halseys new song. And New World's Mad by Landon Cube (watch CUFBOYS on YouTube. I'm really into it tbh. Underground vibes be real.)

- yeah

4-5-17
Time is not real I lost my mind the anxiety is here and it's never leaving.

Maybe I should give in to what's easier. Who's easier.. Maybe what I'm fighting for will just make it so I'm alone in the end because for christs sake they don't want this scene. It's funny. I take no shame in living like I do, most of the time, and if anything, I never outwardly express it but he balances me between worlds and I have a feeling the truth will arise in other areas soon. But for some reason with him I sort of look like a deer in the headlights at times and I dip from situations I'd normally never turn down, yet here I am and it's almost hopeless to think anything could save me from it. and I know he can't do it, I can't even do it. I don't think I need saving though, necessarily. I can't reverse what I've seen and done and felt and I guess I'm supposed to document it all. I'm paranoid as fuck.

Everything feels so petty. I should get my shit together at some point.

- idk. Words hardly make enough sense. I'm sorry.