Mess / Rant

July's Done Me Good Bros

7-15-17
Aye niggas life feels weird

Tonight was really good, snuck out last night and Did Things. 😂 at the end of it, I really don't know what I was even worried about, it ended up being fun and interesting and semi sketchy but good.

It was sort of nice today, I got that feeling where I just needed to be alone to like process events and I don't think I get that feeling much during the summer. But it felt good. We went up into the mountains. And it rained today, which sort of ended up as a slushy type hail thing when I was walking home and I was offered a ride three times lol

I'm really in love with music. I don't think I'm passionate about anything the way I'm passionate about music.

I'm either alone without speaking to somebody for three days or booked like a hotel guest list there is no in between.

I'm thinking about starting a book for my lyrics and raps?? Or should I just leave them in my poetry books?

Fuck commitment rn, I think I've lost a lot of belief I had in people. I liked to think I could believe in love if I wanted but at this point, I don't think it's a choice. And it's not that it doesn't exist, but I'm not sure I could find it in another person. I find love in entirely different forms.

Everybody has a reason, or at least they should. Actions may not be meaningless, don't stop searching.

My dad drunk called me and was talking about his health and his dead dad and he's never drunk called me before but he said some cool shit. "If you ever get the opportunity in life to do something, do it." He had gone to like Mexico and done a few cool things involving fishing etc, and he said he could barely afford it but he did it anyways. And I think that's one of those quotes I'll keep with me. Normally, him drunk can get a little difficult to handle but he was better last night. Idk. I try to live my life, and say I've done things. My twin, for example. She said "the way I see it, if I die today, I've done *insert her life examples* and I'm content with that. If I'm supposed to die, I'm supposed to die" and that was cool shit to hear. Idk. I think I've done so much, and a lot of memories have been made, shit I never would've imagined saying I've done, and I feel proud of myself in that sense but I push myself, like there's still so much I want to do, still more life to explore and different ways to document and connect and question. Overall, I'm just inspired by life and new people and new experience.

This summer definitely has had its lows but I can say, it doesn't suck. I'm pretty content with it. Take more time to live, even in the littlest ways. More time away from a phone, to break rules, and breathe in the rain.

Give me dreams, I'll light the skies. Give me love, I'm quick to deny. Give me lies, I'll read past. Got an understanding for a boy inside a glass.

What a fucking year. Idk how the fuck I feel happy rn?? I'm loveless, I shouldn't be so content just listening to music and writing like this.

Can't tell how dependent I am, maybe I'm just swinging violently from never needing anything to needing you to want me. Tbh balance has been hard to find recently, but I think it's in my personality. Or something.

Str8 ballin // schoolboy q (something about this instrumental just has me addicted?)
Everybody gets high // missio (listened to them in 2015 🤘)
Half // PVRIS
Can't feel my face // the amity affliction pop goes punk cover
Shots Fired // breathe Carolina
- yo girl's out ✌️