Mess / Rant

Fuck the world

5-13-17 1 am
May isn't almost half over please fucking shoot me

Okay so wow yeah

New MGK album has me fucking shook.

I just said shook. I blame Shane Dawson. Goddamn. It's a dead word. (Me though)

And he's with Halsey bc she snapchatted it and I love that they vibe with each other like they spent spring break together and I've shipped it for like a year now (back when that selfie they took together happened when she had blue hair? That shit had me putting pieces together boy howdy). Idk I think even just musically, they relate, and knowing their backstories and shit is cool as well. And there's so much I don't know, and don't plan to stalk to find out about them and why they'd connect but that charisma is there. And it is logical goddamn it.

Jealousy is drawn to me like a moth, or a few of them, to an uncontrollably violent flame. Yet they're interchangeable. I live for the tangle of strings here, because it creates risk and a little danger, some tension, but I know the jealousy can't be tamed just like what I've got can't be tamed, so I am the flame that their jealousy is drawn to, yet I'm also the moth drawn to the reason they're flames. If that makes sense.

I hate people. I fucking hate people. And I honestly don't trust but lately there's been some shady bullshit and I'm done with it. That's the thing I've learned about trust, don't ever take it for granted because you've got no clue what the hell it takes them to give it to you.
People are fake as fuck. If they haven't done it and want to, they'll lie and even believe themselves, just to look good. Like what does it mean to talk experience when half of these people don't mean a thing they say? I've got my resources, I'm not stupid. And then, what does it mean for those of us who have lived everything they're talking about?

Lately I've been suffocated by people, by everything.. Life. Issues. Bullshit. But space doesn't always feel right. I test myself, push myself until I snap. And I know damn well who's getting hurt when I do and I don't give a fuck. I really don't give a fuck. At all. And god knows, not about myself. Like what am I gonna see that's supposed to phase me? What am I gonna see that's gonna be so bad it won't inspire me? What am I gonna feel that I already haven't self induced, come across, or was dripping off the last knife that cut me? I'm not surprised by pain, and it's got nothing on me. I've seen it all before. Don't save my feelings, can't you see? I try not to have any lately.

I'm not good at anything, if I'm being real. Nothing but this- music, writing. That's all I care about, for the most part. That's all that needs to matter. And then a couple people. But everything worthwhile goes straight to that. It catches all of it, the good and the bad. I try not to care, because all that I care about. Is right. Here. Nothing else has stayed.

Idk. Fuck the world. Fuck everybody in it.

- Randy 🌚