Mess / Rant

Rappers, Noah, and a recap of this year

6-17-17
Okay guys my addiction to Lil Peep, Bones, and $uicideboy$ is legit almost dangerous I need help 😂 and I have all this freetime and my YouTube suggests the shit and I can't even handle myself lmfao I just LoVE tHeM sO fUckInG MuCh

I've spent the last two days alone in my room watching Brandon Rogers on YouTube and yeah xD I'll go hiking tomorrow. Or something.

I have this crazy desire to spill my guts to Noah but I know it'll probably only push him away. Maybe I'll leave a note bc I'm a pussy. I don't know exactly

6-19-17 it's 2am, I'm snapchatting and eating chocolate frosting fuck it I should be drunk my cat is asleep life is weird

I went for a hike today! I'm gonna work on the fact that my weight is going up a bit, which shouldn't bother me but fuck, it kinda does. I just don't wanna lose control. I guess. Idk.

I have a plan on how to fix shit with Noah, and I'm just gonna do it. If it works, you'll probably hear about it here. But idk what's gonna happen. I'm nervous as fuck. But I know if it doesn't work, I know where I'll go. And I'm trying not to talk like I have blades in my mouth but words are worth so much. And I'd be lying if I said Im not scared. Scared for next year, alone, but less alone than I was, starting this year. Scared to put my trust on the line for Noah and actually fight for him because I know how cold I can be, I know how easy I can lose it. And I'm afraid I don't have much sanity left, like idk. I worry that maybe I never build myself back up, that eventually my life is just gonna keep swinging and hitting these skyscraper highs until I have nothing but ashes and a lighter, so I'll kill myself trying to build back the cities that crashed. Yet I know there's one thing I can count on- myself. Tired of life testing me, yet it only pisses me off to the point I have to make them wrong. I have to be better than I was. I have to do this. Idk.

I'm scared he'll push me the fuck away and I'll lose him for good. And I don't want to fuck anything up.

I'm listening to EDEN and reading poetry on here like i am one with 2015 Meranda xD

Holy fuck this frosting is giving me diabetes and I'm tired but I fucking hate sleeping. I think I'll sleep on the floor today though. I also miss winter help me lmao

Kind of occurred to me today that my life is kinda cool 😎 lmao just kinda reflecting on the type of memories I have and the shit I've done and it's just cool. I've kind of become something I never really aimed to be, but it was a natural thing. Well it's like two pm and imma head over to Noah's later, and the plan may take like a day before it works, and I'm just hoping I don't get caught at his house while I do it. And maybe it won't fix anything. But I really don't give a shit.

Okayy guys 😂 it's 9. And I did it, sometime before six. Lmao I called an Internet friend while I did it bc I was really nervous. Essentially, here's what happened: I rode my bike to town with scotch tape, the envelope with his dad's name on it (boy howdy am I a wreck. Inside was a note explaining shit to his dad, and asking for advice, also leaving my number and then there was a separate note for Noah, ranting my feelings in a dangerously trustful manner? Yeah I'm definitely shooting for death here), water, Chapstick, and I'm wearing chains and my good luck bracelet (it's got jade in it and is legitimately supposed to mean good luck. Funny this is, it hasn't entirely worked all the way aside from not getting pulled over. But idk. I keep my faith around, because I kind of relate to it, in a really stupid way. Like fuck it. I'm bound for bad luck anyways, it can't hurt. I think xD). So I leave my bike at the school and proceed to walk to his house, and see that a couple of the cars aren't there. Which means his dad is still at work or the gym. Soo. Good sign. But I was still afraid that Noah and his homies would be inside (bc he walks out like hey Meranda wtf are you doing here like I have no explanation and the plan is ruined) and I'm just praying that he didn't get to it before his dad bc I don't think he'd read it all. He'd probably burn it halfway through. Anyways. I'm shaking and I get to his weird side door thing and tape it there and casually walk away, proud of my success. So I then I ride over to the gas station, to grab energy drinks for me and my twin bc I'm a cool sister like that. So I get them and I'm still slightly shaking. well I ride home, and the bag breaks halfway, and yeah. Basically, I lost a pencil, and one of the energy drinks broke and leaked all over my hand the whole way home to which I had to show up and tell my sister I really tried but this is why we can't have nice things 😂👌 I'm so fucking great Jesus Christ lmfaooo