God I love making music. Writing shit. Idk. I just constantly wanna keep doing it. Push myself into it. I like what it makes me, I like that it's never enough, never satisfied with what I just put out, and I love Self Deception, it's changed my writing in such a cool way, and I hope you can see it. And even when I compare my first poem in that book to where we're at now like fifty parts later, I can feel that progress. It's fucking cool.
Idk when I'll update this, might just keep adding onto it like I do and shit. Think Imma walk to a thrift store, ignore promises and hopefully see somebody. We'll see.
Okay so now it's like 7:30(pm), just saw my brother and his wife and baby, went out to dinner and ice cream and that was pretty cool. God I miss them. But I know mom doesn't give a shit, couldn't ever care about something other than herself. And it hurts, whenever I think about it. Noah had some good plans w me tonight but he didn't tell me so I made plans to stay the night with ash since she's moving but oops. I'll make it up to him.
Got orange fairy lights at the thrift store (the old lady there gave me a discount bc she's sweet shit).
My fucking sinuses are fucked. And I don't even have allergies but I think I'm sorta getting sick. Not sure though and I'm trying to prevent it. Lmao
Fuck people.
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If this isn't me 😂
Life's felt kinda spacey all day and idk. Just happy to be this busy. Shits just getting weird, I guess. Weird to think about where I was a year ago and how some of it can't change, but how most of it rolled the next clip and moved on. But I'm sort of in a rhythm with it, what to sort out, what to use in my writing and how to make connections I've never seen or made before. And it's weird. I know I'm not the same after destany, I know there's shit I can't reverse. But I have to accept it. I so badly want to stay bitter about it. Thinking maybe bitterness will win me the upper hand but it never does, never will. I just can't stop it all though. But I've accepted what went on between her and I, I just know it's changed me. But I'm over it.
Where do you fall in between the aesthetics surrounding you?
So I'm at ash's and it's a quarter after eleven. Just thinking bout shit. It's crazy how much I care for you, and god I hope you stick around. You're the songs running through my head, the thoughts that sleep with the stars by the time I ever get around to dreaming. You're the light bouncing off the walls that hide away more often than not. You're the smile down the sidewalks, sun in my hair.
I haven't showered for days, haven't slowed down.
I touched her dresser and now I'm glittery. She's outside on a phone call. Alex called me tonight, haven't seen him since he left in January.
It's Sunday. I'm home. "Home". Listening to Lil Peep really loud, orange fairy lights on, blackout curtains up, DayQuil in my system. Misti read this Japanese poem that's supposed to mean bad luck or some shit if you read it out loud and I think it accidentally cursed me so I woke up and felt like death. But coffee saves.
Look at the sky tonight all of the stars have a reason, a reason to shine, reason like mine, and I'm falling to pieces - Star Shopping // Lil Peep
Got some shit to think about. Trying to take what I'm seeing and come up with an idea for self deception. Watch it hit me once it gets dark. I write better at night. But yeah idk just feeling a lot of shit, and as much as I just wanna write a straightforward poem about what it is, how it feels, whatever, I know I can't. It's gotta be metaphorical, it'll feel more right. Or something.
These last like four days have been a strange reminder of what family is to me, or rather, what its not.. Fuck. Ideas. Brb. Poem.
So I wrote a poem. And a pretty good rap. Then had another cup of coffee and a cold shower.
I made my bed for the first time in forever and God that felt weird let me tell you. Procrastination is a bitch. I say as I'm ignoring reading the rest of my book. I have to turn it in tomorrow and I really am not ready to do that. I'll just find it again next year and start over. Bc I literally can't get myself to do anything. And I really love the book, no lie. The author is now one of my favorites, and my schools library has quite a few of her books. Ellen Hopkins. Check her out. 👌 good shit 👌
Don't know the next time I update this but byyye ✌️ lmao
