Mess / Rant

To my future self

2-13-18
I encourage you to dig, don't be ashamed of nostalgia. Pour over these pages. You selfish piece of shit, you really can't just take away loss from all that you've lived. There is so much more to be considered. It's so cliche to say for you when these years run by like they do but don't stop thinking. You literally have to force yourself to make concepts where none lay obvious. They're only obvious after you work. Nothing falls in your lap here. Push yourself. I don't give a fuck if you're tired. I'm tired rn. I don't give a fuck if you're sad. You have nothing standing in your way to fixing it. Maybe it's never been fixable though. So make something from it. Show the world how to weave sadness into stars. Be something for them. Be something for you. Things affect you bc you allow them to. Bc you care.
Not everything is important.
Let the music take you. Shut your eyes and go somewhere. Anywhere. You can be anything. You can make anything. /You are everything./ only creators know that magic.
Lurk. Watch. Don't take notes in math class. Take notes on wrist movement and natural behavior- send it off and tweak it out to the extremes. Make it so ugly they almost don't want to read. Tip the scales. You know dirt and beauty compliment each other.
Look outside of where you're at. Who you're with. What you're doing. If you know it's incredible but you can't feel it, remind yourself how extraordinary it is to exist and do what you do, repeat it until you believe it. Youre made of things they'll never know.
Love yourself, and not in the ways somebody else can. Love the bad, without making it good or romantic. You truly know how fucked up things have been. You truly know the deepest darkest pieces of you. Complete others with the things you never got.
You could live forever. A reoccurring concept. You've entered and left, begun and ended, created and destroyed, a thousand lives. You've altered reality. You do what drugs do.
You don't need a mother. You don't need a family. You need yourself, for all that they've done has only taught you to love and care and need very selectively. You're smart. Not just book smart. Life smart. Street smart. Paranoid smart.
It takes strength to get here. It's easy to fall victim to it, throw away potential of hard work bc life's just hard. Bc you're depressed. That's easy. This takes everything out of you- but it'll give you the world in return. This is what you live for, this is what you put on the line and plan to die for. This is where you made love where there was none. This saved you, pulled you from the edge. But it was you. You made this. You've done something beyond explanation, it takes belief. It takes pushing yourself. Throw yourself at the fire, risk whatever is necessary. Don't eat for awhile, see what reveals itself to you mentally, don't just run on physicality. Your emotions aren't easily swayed and controlled. Don't let them succumb to that. Don't fill your head with past ways and how it used to be. Don't paint pretty pictures of things that weren't easy. Nothing is easy. Life isn't boring. You've got art everywhere. Just look. Don't stop searching. Don't stop thinking. You don't just trip over this. You force yourself to get here. There's shit in life that just needs to be done. That's that.
The way you've gotten over people, that stupid smiley blushy, in love over thinking about you, shit. Get that way about the music. It's got universes of affection for you. It won't let you down. But find love in the things that have fallen out. Take minutes with yourself and the music, you can always find your way back. It's here waiting. Always. For you. Nobody else. Love hard. But stay bitter. You've learned so much.
- Randy