Mess / Rant

Rants ft noah, hiking and lil peep

6-10-17

I'm back at my moms, and I've been considering working on a fic this summer. Imma try to get a job with my friends mom and even if she doesn't pay me, I'd still love to be there and experience it, because she's a dog groomer and shit and cosmetology is something I'd like to pursue, aside from my writing. So that'd be good to have. And it'd look good for me to still want the experience without pay. Plus I can always hit up that friends older sister, bc they're busy as hell and would probably pay me to clean. And we're pretty tight. So yeah. That should keep me kinda busy. But the fic thing is something I've thought about. And idk. It takes a lot of like thought for me to do it but I see comments on my Oli Sykes fic, and I miss it. Like I miss my fanfic days. Sooo if I can get around to making that happen, that'd be dope but I have an issue procrastinating.

I'm finding a lot of really good, new music, and it makes me happy. The days are going by kind of slow, and I miss Noah. He's back in town, too. I'm not exactly sad about it but I think of him. And we've talked, and assessed our views on me thinking I'm a piece of shit and him thinking he's a piece of shit. But it's whatever. Like I want a relationship, yet I know I shouldn't trust anybody, if that makes sense. And if anything, I want somebody here physically bc if I'm being honest, I've felt so goddamn alone. And it isn't necessarily all consuming. But my family is distanced, isolated and cold, and I guess I hope my twin Meriah wouldn't have the same issues we all have with being cold hearted but I know she does. It's the environment, living with my mom doesn't make for great conditions. and both meriah and I have experienced a lot emotionally with people. So I get it.

There's been a lot going on for me, mentally. And I only feel like myself when I'm sleep deprived now. I need some form of stress.

I find myself wanting to go hike up into the mountains and go far away to where nobody can see me, yet I want to be with people. And I'm not sure which one Im gonna pursue. I really just don't wanna think, I've been feeling drained. Like somehow I feel as though I've had to talk about my emotions a lot like in person but I know I haven't done so. Idk.

I love my room at my moms, I like how it's made so much progress. Feels familiar, decorated. Home. Mine. It speaks a lot. And this house isn't as good as it was when i stayed here and slept on the closet floor and the house was almost entirely empty, but I know I can't recreate that vibe.

One thing I've learned, and I actually thought on the concept at first from that song, Movements by Pham and i found it in like march and it goes ooh baby yeah I'm grateful, grateful for awhile and I remember thinking to myself when the last time I could consider myself grateful was, and I like kept thinking of that concept and since then, just learned to be grateful. Bc no matter how bad it is, there's never a moment when you can't enjoy something, even if you're passionate about pain. And I like to reflect on what I have to be grateful for at this moment. And it's usually involving my lifestyle and the littlest things and how I think, and art and shit.

6-13-17
I feel pretty good. Alone, but Meriah and I talked for the longest time and I had a couple phone calls. So that helped. A lot. It was rainy today and I really love it. That's about all I can say. Wrote a poem, and I wasn't sure how to feel about it but I just haven't had anything to draw from. It wasn't a depthy double meaning thing like my best work in self deception, but like I write a lot about people, and being fucking alone kind of stops that. I'll fix it though and rn, I'm just listening to my favorite music, and maybe I'll just look at the sky and reflect on everything with a smile. Idk what triggered it to come back but I'm just realizing the possibility to life again, just letting my mind wander and think again. It's refreshing, to have something to think about again.

I went through some old photos on my phone and it's crazy to look back on. I can feel the progress.

I know where I stand, I know who I am- fuck what they say. And if you're chasing this shit, too, do it. You're an artist, you're not supposed to be easy. Or even digestible, if you don't wanna be. Do whatever the hell you want. You're gonna get doubt. They'll tell you no a thousand times. But do it outta spite if nothing else. Prove them wrong, prove it to yourself that you can do it. Keep going. Whatever it is you're doing, even if it's just surviving- keep doing it.

I guess I want somebody to be able to understand who I am, collectively. Or pay attention to my dynamics. I want somebody to see it all, and I wonder, if maybe, it isn't possible. And I wonder if maybe there's one person who might get it. And I think of Noah, as well, because idfc how he sees me. I see where he's going, and we both know he's better off with me than he is with her, or by himself rn. I'll have to show him that. Even as a friend, I'll be around for him. And I wanna love him so bad. But it is what it is. At the end of the day, he knows where to find me. And I can daydream he shows up and talks to me, but I know the way life works. And it won't work out like that. But that's alright.

I'll figure shit out.

6-16-17 (at least I hope that's the number I just read. I looked at it and then forgot)

I never updated this haha go me Jesus fuck

I saw Noah like two days ago, and I only stopped by to make sure he was alright, and he had other people with him but he thanked me for that, and we hugged briefly, but I smelled him. He also came to my window today to get his clothes, and I sprayed them just a little bit with my perfume so he'll smell me lmao I breathed in the last of his scent off of them anyways bc I'm creepier than shit.

Helen stayed the night before last night and we stayed up and gamed and shit. We actually ended up walking/hiking like 8 miles. Creeped on these cows and had a pretty good time (there was a beer can in their field? Lmao it was funny shit).

Well. Noah's single, whatever that means. We'll see. But I have a monster, a gallon of coffee, Lil Peep, and YouTube to do. So I'll be vibing. And it's raining. Soo. Fuck yes.

Dueces

- Randy ✌️😝