Idefk. I can't even explain everything that's happened. But I still hope I magically remember it. Maybe I'll just be vague w key notes that won't mean anything to you.
Okay so. Suicide. Hospital. Fuck drew. There's a no in Noah for a reason apparently. Cheating. Chainsmoking. Speeding. Mary Jane. Mattysen's (sitting on hills overlooking. Pools. Hammock. Nature. Vibes.) Parking lot. 1am, empty dark ass house. Nightmares. Mom, fighting, honesty oddly. Ash left for Washington.
K.
Moving on
I'm back with my dad in my old town for about a week and honestly I'm kinda ready to be a hoe and party even though it won't help and I'll still think of him. He just does it like it's easy. But it's just stupid. Like I have people throwing themselves at me, and I don't want them but they're not even good at it. Just. Stupid. Fucking. People.
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^ spirit animal though
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So update. Being a hoe isn't easy, like he's got me fucking tripping. Like I could say I find him in anyone I touch but I don't. And that's the point. You feel? God I hope he realizes what it takes outta me to need him.
I had a mental breakdown and literally went off the fucking deep end into a depressive piece of shit mood and was talking shit I normally don't talk. And goddd. But meriah said something about me having one life. And what memories are worth. Granted, in the moment it felt too optimistic and cliche and I wanted to burn her words in thin air because there isn't a point to anything. But her words make sense. And I have to keep pushing forward. Even when what I do doesn't matter to anyone else but me. It can save me a thousand times before it hits anyone else. Like Misti asked me "are you happy with yourself?" And I haven't felt happiness, true, deep, genuine, happiness in awhile. I get little glimpses, that may be influenced by alcohol. Chasing highs. Well anyways, I had to stop and think for a second and as much as I wanted I couldn't say no. I wanted this. Highs and lows. Everything. I didn't walk into who I am, without knowing, no matter where I am, it's gonna be shitty. But I think acceptance is power.
Hopeless fountain kingdom is the fucking shit. I think my favorites are devil in me, sorry, heaven in hiding, lie, and don't play. Hopeless is good shit too.
Like I'm listening to songs that would've lifted me off of subfloors, into maniac states a year ago. I'm still texting destany but the reasons are different. The words are different. But I still care for her, in a thousand ways. She's still a muse. I keep her story in my back pocket constantly, she's worth something to what I do. And Kem and Misti were in my room and shit just doesn't change. Like none of us stayed the same, but this bed hasn't moved from when we went roofing. And it's funny how terrified I am to lose what I have. Last year, I got somewhere I literally am ashamed of. I was just fucking stupid. And I remind myself constantly to be smart, be passionate, but only selectively.
I have to keep going, I'm so determined not to be a bitch about shit lately. It's the dude in me. I'm like a dude. With artists eyes. And I wouldn't change my gender, I think there's a reason for it.
We were playing music on surround sound through my whole house, from the old ass radio in my closet and Lela smelled like destany used to.
Still contemplating burning Noah's clothes that I have. Funny this is, I know a dude who I didn't date but Noah came between if that makes sense and this sounds hella petty but idgaf. Well anyways. He wants to kick it when I get back and he's so real and just patient and he's had every reason to leave. Like we care for each other and it's just so great. Well. He wants to come to my house and help me burn Noah's clothes. Lmfaoo. I'm still hesitant though so I probably won't but I know we'll kick it regardless.
I have a list of questions for Noah. Just a continuous thing on my notes. Shit I'll never get the answers to.
So I think I'll leave this here. I vented too much probably but hey. I really don't give a shit. Sooo.
I've got ideas for a poem. Writing has been a little hard lately. I just wanna make music. I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna change shit.
