Mess / Rant

Updates might be more frequent?

8-5-17
I spent days alone before you. And now, I'm back to being suffocated by social interaction.

He's tripping. He named a "strawberry" Timothy. So I asked him what was growing in his greenhouse and he's like "I feel like you should tell Timothy to get outta my greenhouse" "what did Timothy do?" "Nothing. I took a bite of his ass and it tasted like shit" like. Oh.

I've lost so much weight this month it's fuckeddddd

I'm not sleeping. I have to be awake at like six bc life and I'm not ready.

Fuck it. But when did this become my life?? Like for real. Idk. I haven't been myself in a minute here. I got lost up in my head for days which has been happening more often than normal lately? I can't explain it. I just get a little spacey and then there's ringing in my ears and I can't really process reality. It's got different levels, like sometimes I can throw my shit together and act straight but sometimes I just can't. Like I can't eat I can't sleep, everything feels distant. Idk. And it hasn't lasted for consecutive days until this summer. Like it'll come around and stay for a bit but idec. I'm not bitching bout it.

I'm pretty tired but I doubt I'll be sleeping. I'm really hoping he fell asleep and I hate to ask if he's okay bc like I don't wanna wake him up but if he's tripping hard I'm not gonna just let him sleep.

My brothers doggo has been here for awhile this summer bc of his job and the dog has separation anxiety. So bailey's been kicking it here and I haven't fallen in love with a dog this hard ever. He's good at reading my emotions and shit. Legit just spends all his time under my bed and then I'll leave my room and he'll just wait outside of it until I'm back.

Oh yeah. I got an instagram. I'm sooo late but idgaf lmao I'm here now 😂👌

Ive been listening to Tove Lo's newest album again lately and I still just love it. Flashes is one that I always envision me doing a music video for bc the lines are so intricately tied to me. Like I can take a lot of it metaphorically and make connections. Again, I really wish I could just film what's in my head like fuckk.

I taste like stale coffee

I haven't seen my dad in about a month which hasn't happened tbh but I don't really mind? I miss my friends over there though. Idk.

I'm really living for Winter by PVRIS like god that's good shit.
'Cause your love's so cold, I see my breath'

I think Satan is possessing my bedroom like hey there buddy can you not ?? Cool *finger guns* 😎

I'm so sketched out by life rn fuck me in the ass why do I drink so much caffeine when my house makes weird noises. And I don't wanna listen to music bc I haven't hung up the phone yet and some part of me doesn't know how to bring myself to do it. Im on mute though. But he'll wake up and slur shit.

Okay I'm plugging in my orange lights fuck it

I cleaned today, showered, and washed my sheets. And a couple towels. And walked a shit ton. So be proud of me lmao
- yo girl

8-6-17
So maybe I should update this daily? Idk I'd like to believe I have that dedication.

Came home late, but nobody truly gave a fuck and I like that more than I want to admit. Still haven't slept more than two hours, woke up at seven and had breakfast w my bf before he went to work. Actually ate today though but still hyped on caffeine. Went speeding with some niggas and it was chill. So much better to drive at night than daytime. You don't need to fill the void, the darkness does it. Daytime feels like an empty wine glass. And when you do talk or rant, the world breathes every syllable with you. I'd like look up at the full moon with my fingers curled around the edge of the partially rolled down window, that night breeze weaving through the obstacles to get to me and I'd just think about letting go of everything. And maybe that's the source of it all. Idk if I realize how much I get tied down by shit.

Also. If my words don't mean shit to you when I say them once, don't fucking expect me to say them again just bc you need the reassurance. You should know where I stand.

That sounded petty but do I give a fuck? Naaah.

I really love Elijah and Christine, on YouTube like yess. Just good shit 👌

I realized today how bad I want a cig. Haven't smoked one in over half a month. Night driving or driving in general is enhanced by lung cancer I promise 👌👌

August always finds ways to fuck me over. But I feel safe like this. Like I'm reclusive and I know things inside my head that nobody will ever get to experience. I need it, it reminds me I've not changed for any set of circumstance.

Everything's different, but it's eventful and that's what I can be thankful for. Never would've imagined to be here in good and bad ways.

"What if I'm crazy?"
"Then oh well"
"You're the shit"

I have a caffeine addiction save me from myself I keep getting confused about random shit and I shake constantly 😂
- randyyy