The boy who broke me

13.

Loki said he loves me and he meant it. My head pounds every time I dare to think about it. It throbs and I can feel the heat rising into my cheeks. I'm overly happy, so much so that I think I might freak out. I decided that I would go for a walk, be happy and active.
The sun shines brightly, setting everything into a happier mood than usual. There are only a handful of clouds in the sky and its usual baby blue color has transformed into a shockingly bright blue. It's magnificent.
The tar beneath my feet crunches as I walk, small pebbles flying onto the sidewalk as I kick them.
Addy and Caden are hanging out today and Loki is busy with his sister so it was either I bond with Ryan who constantly smells of bear or whatever he could get his hands on the night before or walking. Walking it is.
Ryan has become more and more distant as time moves along. He barely leaves the house and is hardly ever sober. He never showers unless I drag him into the bathroom and lock the door until he's clean. Sometimes his music is loud enough to block out the shattering of bottles as he throws them but other times its hardly louder than the screams. I've stood outside his door countless times, urging myself to walk in and help him somehow. But I can't bring myself into doing it. He isn't the guy I grew up with anymore, he isn't my brother. That Ryan has been gone for a really long time and I just never wanted to admit it.
He needs help, but it's not me who's going to lend him the helping hand. Not this time, not again.
•••
I walk into the more crowded part of town, whet the streets are lined with shops and people sipping from their steaming early morning coffee or the occasional jogger that runs past. The sound of wheels rolling over the road fills the silence, the distant music of all the shops a feint reminder that we're not as isolated in racing last our lives as what we like to think.
On the door to my favorite little coffee shop, called Poco Café is a sign that reads
Help wanted, see manager inside.
And immediately the half empty fridge and mom coming home half asleep because of how hard she works comes into mind. If I took a summer job, maybe I could help mom with a few things.
I walk in and stand at the counter, the girl behind the counters name tag reads Caroline. She's a year older than me, she finished school last year.
"Hey. I saw the sign on the door. Is the job still open ?" I ask.
"Yeah sure, let me just go and call Steffan."
Steffan I assume is the manager. A man that looks to be nothing older than 23 walks in behind Caroline. She smiles at me but it does nothing for the nervous butterflies in my stomach.
He holds out his hand and it takes me a few moments before I realize that he wants me to shake it. His grip is firm buy not tight enough to hurt me. He smiles reassuringly at me.
"My names Steffan. I'm the manager, I understand that you'd like to apply for the job?" He asks, his tone formal and indifferent.
"Yes, when could I come for a interview?" I ask, trying to sound just as professional but instead I sound like a squeamish little girl but he just laughs.
"This isn't some office job, all I need to know is can you make coffee and are you capable of counting ?"  He asks.
"I think I can do both those things." I say, half confused so I try mocking him to cover it up.
"I'll give you a weeks practice run, you'll get paid half the usual price until the end of the week when I can see that you're worth the effort."
I nod.
"Thanks." I say.
"What's your name?"
"Rylin." I say.
"You can start tomorrow at 10. Don't be late." He says and heads back to the room he came out of earlier. I look at Caroline, she's making some sort of steaming hot drink and I need one.
"It's on the house. Don't tell the boss though. I'll see you tomorrow, co-worker." She says as she hands me the coffee and winks. I wave goodbye and head towards home. I've been out for most of the day. Walking all over the place but the wind has gotten colder and I'm hungry so the reasons to go home have become good enough for me to turn around.
•••
As I walk through the threshold I hear the loud pounding of music and sigh. So much for peaceful. I grab a apple and head up to my room. I need to talk to Addy, her date should be over and I want to know how it went. I knock on Ryan's door, signaling him to put it softer. He doesn't lower it by much but it's enough that I can hear myself think. I sit on the bed and dial Addy's number.
"Hey." She answers sleepily.
"Hey. Why do you sound exhausted?" I ask
"Caden loves to hike."
I laugh, remembering how sore my arms were after kayaking.
"What's he like ?" I ask.
"Oh, amazing. He's sweet and ki-" she gets cut off and I hear talking in the background. I wait.
"I'll be there in 5 minutes." she says her voice is edgy as if she could be irritated but I can't know for sure.
•••
"My brothers are so annoying sometimes." Addy growls as she walks into my room. Definitely irritated.
"Why?"
"I was on the phone with you, when Jason walks in and starts teasing me about Caden and then Grayson came in and did the exact thing but he mocked me about talking to you about it too. So I left." She shrugs.
I laugh, they sound like a complete handful.
"Sounds rough."
"Oh it is." She says as she throws a bag onto the  floor. I look at it curiously.
"Is it alright if I sleep here, my parents aren't home and you know. My brothers aren't on my good side."
"Sure."
And then the music starts up again, the walls and my bed vibrate. He's got the volume on full. He's losing his cool again and I can't do it anymore. I throw my head into the pillow and just stay there. Not wanting any of it to be real. Addy goes quiet so I sit up. She's gone. The music abruptly switches off, there's yelling and shattering. I hide beneath the pillow. Maybe if I act like Addy isn't alone in a room with my brother right now the whole thing will just disappear. And it does. I fall asleep, the yelling becomes distant and everything dissolves into blackness.
•••
I wake up and find Ryan sleeping on the floor by my bed, Addy is nowhere. I get up and shake Ryan until he wakes up.
When his eyes open I flinch, they're bloodshot but less blank than usual.
"Why were you sleeping on the floor ?" I ask.
"Addy needed a bed and you were holding up her half." He says.
"Ryan." I groan. "You're sheets are filthy."
He nods.
"They were, I changed them before she got into bed."
"What happened last night."
"Nothing."
"You're lying. There was yelling and smashing. More than usual." I say.
I walk out and towards Ryan's room, I need to know where Addy went.
"Addy, what happened last night." I say, she's sitting under the covers and inspecting the wreck that is my brothers room.
"He needs help. I'm going to help him. He can't live like that anymore and neither can you."
"You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." I sighed.
"He might not have said it out loud and he might not act like it, but I think he wants it. He needs it."
I shake my head, but I don't disagree. My best friend has a heart of gold. She's looked past the mess that is my brother and chosen to help fix him.
"Thank you." I say and hug her, the tears roll down my cheeks, relieved that maybe there's hope for Ryan.
"You need a brother and he needs himself, but somehow you guys just couldn't fix each other. Loki helped you, I think I need to be Ryans Loki." She says, turns around and goes to my room to get dressed.
I hear footsteps, fast ones. I raise my eyebrows, it sounds like someone running down the passage.
Ryan walks into the room, his face is flushed.
"Why were you running?" I question.
"Addy, she scares me."
I laugh, trying to picture my Addy as scary.
"What'd she do?" I laugh.
"She told me to get dressed and while I was at it start thinking about thinking about my life."
"Which you've been messing around with." She says as she walks into the room, still in her pajamas.
Ryan just looked down at his shoes, his cheeks flushing red.
"Go away." He whispers, and I listen knowing that his tone of voice can only mean trouble. I stand beside Ryan's door and wait but Addy doesn't walk out, instead she tells Ryan exactly what he needs to hear.
I walk outside, needing a breath of fresh air. I need to clear my head. I've missed the brother I used to call Ryry when we were little.
The cars speed past me as I walk along the sidewalk, the wind blowing my hair in all different directions. I don't know why I'm out here and not inside, helping. But maybe I'm just going to have to fix myself before I help Ryan.