The boy who broke me

23.

Just a quick thank you ❤️
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RYANS P.O.V.

I link my fingers with hers and breathe in the ocean air. It's cool out and Jenn shivers beneath my hold. I shrug of my leather jacket and drape it over her shoulders, not wanting to let go of her hand yet.

She looks up at me from beneath her eyelashes and the golden flecks that are mixed between her deep chocolate brown eyes glint in the suns light.

I think of the right words that I should say to her but nothing seems right, everything seems like it would make me sound like a oaf who can't manage to have enough emotion to get his girl back.

Because that's the thing, she'll always be mine. Whether we're together or not, whether she loves me or not. I'll always see her as the love of my life because of all she's done for me, the times she's pulled me out of the dark.

I screwed up the day I hurt her. I was drunk and a idiot. But since then I've changed and this time it's not because my friends dared me to see how badly I could hurt my sister by pretending to be nice. I'm not the same guy I was back then, I'm not the guy who gets wasted every night and hurts his sister just because he knows that it would upset her and make him look cool.

I love my sister and I love Jenn and I wouldn't hurt them again. I regret hurting them in the first place.

Being that guy used to distract me, I wouldn't feel the pain or the way my heart ached. It all went away when I became cold and cruel. And I needed the drinks and smokes to be him, to help me forget why I was doing it and to help me be numb to the way I treated others.

And then Addy came in and she told me to straighten out my life or I'd lose more than just my girlfriend. I'd lose my family and eventually my life as well because I was wasting it on things that were plastic and unworthy of the person that I actually was.

I've been fighting tirelessly, day and night to get back to being myself and it wasn't only for the people around me but for myself as well because I was tired of constantly being sad. For once I wanted to be happy. And I am, I finally am.

My sisters been letting me back in one day at a time, I've made real friends and Jenn is talking to me again. I've managed to pull myself towards myself and without Ad none of this would have been possible.

And that's exactly what I tell Jenn.

"I'm glad to see that the boy I fell in love with is back. I've missed you, Ryan."
"I missed you too. So so much." I say and pull her into my chest. I can feel her breathing against me and it feels like home. She feels like home and I've been extremely homesick lately.
I kiss the top of her head and pull away, ready to say what I've been leading up to all day.

Rylin was gone the whole day so I haven't had anyone to talk me through this, to tell me if I was being insensitive or not. But I need to say it or it will feel like there's a hand around my throat that's keeping me from breathing. Suffocating me.

I take a breath and say it.

"I'm sorry for what I did, for saying all those things. For being the type of guy who makes you cry at night. I'm sorry for throwing that bottle at you. I'm sorry for yelling and most of all I'm sorry for not being the guy you needed me to be. But when my dad died I needed a distraction and you fitted into that space perfectly. I needed you to kiss me when I felt like crying. I needed you to hold my hand when I was with the guys because you reminded me that the person I was pretending to be wasn't who I actually was. I love you endlessly and hope that one day you'll take me back."

I was looking at her through all this and she was looking at the sea, focused on the way that the waves lapsed onto the shore. I knew that I was hurting her by bringing this up.

I knew that she'd have preferred to shove it under the rug and forgotten about it but for me it was a case of wanting her to understand why I acted the way I did and why I did the things that hurt her. When she turns to face me, there are tears on her cheeks and that's when I know to what extent I hurt her.

Jenn never cried, she hated being weak and vulnerable. She didn't tell you how she felt when she was sad, she only wanted you to be there and know that she was sad but never push her to tell you what's wrong because that made her feel like she couldn't handle it on her own.

She is dependent on herself and only trusts people once you'veproven that you'd listen and not take her situation and somehow make it your problem and your life.

She is so strong and has never cried. I loved that strong side of her and in the six years we'd been dating she'd cried a total of 3 times. Today included and it killed me to know that I'd been two of the reasons that she'd cried.

"Jenn. I'm so sorry for hurting you."
She wipes away the tears and looks me in the eye while she says
" I forgave you a long time ago Ryan."
My knees go weak with relief.
"Thank you."

"You might be the reason I cried, but it's only because we were both hurting and couldn't help each other. Until today. They were a mixture of happy and sad tears."

"I love you. I never stopped. And I'll never take you for granted ever again."

She smiles sadly at me. "I love you too." She says, her voice a whisper.
I smile and place a soft kiss on her lips before I pull away, take her hand and walk down the beach. Hoping that my life can just be like the waves, as soon as one breaks a new one comes and replaces it. Fixing the whole equation.
•••
"Yo, how you enjoying the beach ?" Addy asks, before she places herself beside me in a very manly position which just adds to the fact that her voice was deeper than my own when she said it.
"It's good bro." I laugh.
"Yay." She says, back to her girly self.
"How's things with Caden." I ask, smirking because I know that this makes her uncomfortable.

She stiffens and looks over at me with a annoyed expression on her face.
"Great. Amazing. Great. Romantic filled. Was that enough adjectives to satisfy you ?"
"Breathe Ad, I'm just teasing. Has he said that he loves you yet ?"
She shakes her head and smiles at me, amused.

"We've been dating for about a month. Wouldn't it be too soon ? And when did you and I become so comfortable around each other ?" She laughs.
"Since you changed my life when you helped me. Oh, and then of course there's the fact that you're dating one of my best brothers and you're my sisters 'bestie'" I say, making my voice rise a few octaves on that last note.

She punches my shoulder playfully and I knock her hard with my shoulder that she falls over and gets a face full of sand.

"You're like the good brother I never I had."
"And that I'll always be, no matter what."
"Thanks Ry."
•••
My life may not be perfect. But i have people that help me, I have a sister who needs me now more than ever because of what day it is next week Monday.

So I'm going to be there for her, I'm going to be the brother I never was.