The boy who broke me

25.

Last night, Loki told me that he needs time to process what happened during the day. He didn't want us to break up or anything drastic. But it feels as if him needing time is pretty much the same thing.

He didn't need space, but time. What the hell does that mean ?
•••
I pack the rest of my clothes into my bag, slowly getting ready to leave. To head back home to where I'll have to pack again. The rest of our holiday is going on to consist of packing things into boxes and driving them down to the university.

But right now I tell myself to focus on the bag, that I've just packed my shorts into. Because if I thought about the boxes. It'd freak me out. I'd have to leave my mom, my boyfriend and the house that I grew up in.

I'd remember that I'm all grown up now. I have to live by myself, get myself a degree and then get on with life. So instead I think about my bag. It doesn't take long until all my things are packed and I don't have anything to do.

So I walk out of the room, but I don't go to Loki. He avoids me every chance that he gets. He doesn't speak, hasn't eaten and barely ever comes out of his room. Tyla says that it's the same each year, that he goes into his own type of 'hibernation' but she also said that this year feels different. He's more upset than usual. And I know that it's because of my dad, because he was the reason Loki doesn't have parents.

It's hurt us all, the fact that there's no one left to explain all this to us. No one to help us understand what's actually happened. Why it happened or whether there was a way that my dad could have stopped what happened. I didn't blame him, i understood from what the police had told me that my dad had tried everything that he possibly could have to save those people.

On the recordings the police were able to pick up that he had no control from what he could tell. He spoke to the airplanes voice recorder the whole flight through and I always thought that it was his way of letting mom know that he was calm while it happened and she didn't have to spend every day worrying that his last few minutes were spent with him being scared. He was calm and that's the dad I remember, the hero who tried his best.

But I knew dad, this wasn't his fault and I wasn't going to let Loki drift away because he thought it was. I'd talk to him as many times as I had to, i just had to get him to look at me again. To smile the way he used to, to get up out of bed in the morning without looking as if it was the worst thing that he could possibly be doing with his time. So I decide that maybe I should talk to him.

As I get to his door I hear faint noises coming through the door. I press my ear to the wood and strain to hear what's going on.

"GET OUT." I hear Loki yell.
"I'm so sick of this, the rest of us have to be strong while you get to lie in bed like a heart sore puppy." Tyla says, her voice is loud but it loud enough for me to classify it as a yell.
"I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR YOU EVERYDAY. JUST LEAVE, TYLA." His voice reaches a level that makes me flinch, even though I'm on the other side of the door.

The door slams open and Tyla storms out, she's livid and doesn't even nod in my direction. I take a deep breath and walk into the room, I won't give up on this, on us.

"I want to talk." I say, my voice a whisper.
"I don't."
"Please Loki, just listen."
"No. Get out."
"Please." I whimper.
"GET THE HELL OUT."

I run, I run out of his room as fast as I possibly can. But I don't cry, I won't cry. He's hurting but that doesn't mean I'll let the way he feels right now break me down. So I keep in running until I'm out the front door and on the main road. Usually running clears my head, it tires me out to the point where all I can think about is the way my legs are paining and heart is racing.