Ameles potamos

Chapter 14: Enjoy the silence

The room was still and void of any feelings, it had that humid air in it. The accurate description to this room would be that it's emptiness wasn't accurate as emptiness of people and living beings, it was more of an all-faces-look-just-the-same kind of empty room, to be accurate it's the check up room, everyone had the same smile drawn on their face; empty and faked.

 The nurse was listening to the humming of the machine, and obviously admiring the doctor who was doing the checkups, her looks were all over him.

It was disgusting, I thank god he wasn't sharing the same looks since he is quite hot, the nurse was merely as hot and attractive as he was but she did have a nice figure.

 What am I thinking about? Seriously, it's so annoying.

This doctor by the name of Jake looks just like a neighbor of mine when we used to live back in Australia... Before I came here, I was living with my family in Australia it was the best of all times, everything back then was so simple I didn't have any complications to me those days resembled those moments when you were a child, you had no cares and no worries but the reasons you cry for as a baby. As a baby, I usually cried and screamed for food.

Now the screams are different, we can't hear them.

 However they are present everywhere inside of you, it's just like fury and anger they're a fire inside us but they never show except when triggered.

 I wish I had no complications.

After checkups I headed to the maze and sat down alone, the maze was quite occupied today.

 Most paranoid people liked spending time here, so I made decision of going back to my room so I won't get myself into trouble...

I'm definitely bored, I need to do something or think about something other than Christmas or Nickolas's weird attitude lately, he doesn't offer his food anymore, we barely talk while eating and then he disappears quickly like blood in oceans.

I just don't get it, what did I do wrong? Where did I mess up? I'm probably over thinking, maybe he has checkups too or an appointment with the psychiatrist.

I'll never know, the thing is he is currently my only friend, I can't afford losing him, to be more precise I can't stand the thought of having the last person I care about gone.

Are they all gone? Most probably I'll keep asking myself this question till the day I die.

So I fell asleep, deep sleep.

 When I woke up I looked at the mirror in my bathroom, I don't know if I've lost myself or if I'm losing myself. I don't know if I'm okay or not? I'm pretty sure I'm lonely and somehow people think I'm sick and they never come to visit and I have to face everything alone, and lately I've been craving some company;

Real, unconditional company; not because it's your job to help me, not because you're forced to stay with me.

 I want a company you're not paid to do.

This made me remember a line Lana always told me.

 "I want to be unconditionally cherished and somehow be the lucky winner of a sentiments spree" I said out loud quoting her.

 Maybe she was feeling lonely too...

The next day I decided that it's about time to talk to Nickolas and confront him... With what exactly, I still haven't got this figured out, but I will… soon.

We were sitting in silence, the silence was veiled with our tension, especially mine I had to talk to him and had to do it now. "Nickolas..." I said awkwardly.

"Yeah" he was playing with his food. "You're not eating..." My words were lost in my brain, I was over thinking it, I just wanted to skip to what I wanted to tell him but I couldn't,

 "You want my food?" He finally gave me a look. "No... No I was just stating that you're not eating"

"Okay" he responded. I want to ask him if he is okay. What's going on? Why are you acting all so weird? Why are you choosing for us to fall apart and not be friends? Is it because I slept on your shoulder... Is it that you're scared I might be insane? I'm not I swear.

 But I let all those questions fall into the orb of our silence; I let them fill it with even more tension. It hurts, and I was in pain, and I'm lonely and I need him.

 I moved as fast as I can to reach my bed and crumble myself and fall silently into deep sleep. When I got there I did crumble, but I didn't sleep instead I start sobbing.

. . . . . .

Later I was at Julianne's and she noticed how sad was I, so she told me not to talk of anything that will cause me sadness, so I chose my best memory ever.

 It was a time when I was with Lana. We both had just broken up with our boyfriends, the thing that made this one of my fondest memories was that we both did it at the same time and we both helped each other get over it.

We sat down one day at night and turned on the TV, we bought every kind of harmful sweet and we started eating then we sat in silence, a very light silence, the one you like. Because suddenly we were both feeling happier, no not happy more like relieved that we have each other, so I started singing loudly and she joined me. We then we got up and started dancing wildly, not paying attention to each other or to anything other than the fact that we knew we were there for each other, and that we got each other's back.

 And so we lay down on bed and started laughing our hearts out over silly things.

Truth is, friendship is all about those silly moments, and those silly stupid things we do together, or even the looks we give to each other when only the both of us gets what we're talking about.

It's those moments; friendship is as simple as a look.

Julianne was enjoying the story, what I didn't mention was that even though it's one of the happiest moments of my life, it was the memory that caused me most misery just because now I'm alone all by myself.

 I was sitting with myself at the maze trying to think of a way to get myself out of this misery, maybe I should ask Julianne for one of her books... I don't know. As I was thinking and analyzing what my next move would be, I found someone sitting next to me, it was Nickolas I gasped.

He smiled, "sorry for scaring you. I didn't want to disturb you seemed lost in your thoughts" he told me

"No, not really. How are you?" I asked in a gentle voice.

"I'm fine, I miss you" this statement was followed by silence from both our sides, when he found me saying nothing he said, "How are you?"

"I'm fine too" I didn't know what else to say, his feelings aren't clear neither is his words.

 I wanted to yell at him for I'm feeling so lonely, and it's partially his fault… he did give me hope.

I would have loved to add that I need him but that would sound pathetic.

"I'm sorry... Nia, I just... I'm facing something and I was too busy that I couldn't... I'm just sorry"

 I guess it showed on my face that I was annoyed.

"You don't have to be" I was tired of trying to force everyone to let me in, but I won't stop now maybe he'll tell me what's wrong.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?" I demanded. He looked at me skeptically at first but then his forehead stretched in relief and decided to tell me,

"I think... I'm not sure, but I think that I'm having some complications" he looked away "With my… you know; my illness..." He said in a low voice

"Look, I've been seeing things... Everywhere, from the day we watched Lion King together. It was before the movie I saw something" he bowed his head.

"What kind of thing?" I insisted.

"Nala" he smiled.

 I smiled back like a Cheshire cat that was probably my thank you. It was better than any thank you I thought of. "It's bad, it's really bad... And ugly, an ugly image." He closed his eyes. I came closer to him and whispered nearby his ear

"I can keep a secret"