Ameles potamos

Chapter 37: Draw your weapons

When I opened my eyes, there was no one but myself and the dark.

I got up from the ground and moved towards the door, I sat down quietly and waited.

Waited for a long time, I suppressed everything inside me until I saw Julianne.

Finally, the door opened and two nurses appeared,

"Niala darling, Julianne needs to see you come with us."

I rushed as I got up and moved with them; the doors weren't like before in that tall hallway, they were rusty and black. Now they're just doors.

I could still hear people screaming but something was different.

"Did you paint the walls?" I asked one of the nurses.

She laughed, "No darling. Why would we do that?"

Most probably I imagined it, but it seems that I imagine everything in my life these days.

When we finally reached Julianne's office I sat down on the chair in front her desk and started crying.

An hour later, or so—I don't really know, I finally stopped crying and took a deep breath.

"I'm here because Lana killed herself… right?"

She nodded.

"I stopped eating after what happened. And I started screaming a lot. Right?"

She nodded again.

I swallowed, "And I started acting like her? And saying weird stuff—stuff that she said. Right? I kept saying her name over and over am I right?"

"Yes you are." She smiled.

"I was a bitch, wasn't I?"

"I don't know that…" she exhaled.

"How did you know that this room would help me remember?" I asked.

"I didn't, but sometimes it does help you face your worst enemies. The memory, that is in your case of course."

"It seems that Dylan was real, but he wasn't mine… there was a wedding. I remember that, and I did offer to go with him." I swallowed remembering the amount of slutty acts I had in me.

"We had fun and I did cheat on my best…" I couldn't even bring myself into saying it. Best friend.

"On Lana…" I sighed.

"Tell me what happened after her death."

She nodded, "You started referring to yourself as Lana and got into a deep depression that caused you the mental illness you have."

"Which is?"

"Dissociative disorder, unfortunately, they kept neglecting it until your identity collapsed to hers."

"So I'm never getting myself back ever again?"

She smiled, "You are half way there Nia, admitting your illness is the first step to healing."

"But what if I don't want to go back, I mean I was a terrible person."

She laughed, "Well change that."

I nodded, "What about Dylan? I mean you said something related to Nicholas that I didn't understand…"

Nicholas, I almost forgot about him, which is weird because he never left my mind those couple of days.

"Well, at the beginning you learnt everything about Nicholas then your mind suppressed the memory and related the events to Dylan… probably because your brain refused to blame you for what happened to Lana, and Dylan was your excuse."

"I don't understand."

She started walking around her office.

"Well you see, your brain is a very complicated organ, it's like a tape. It recorded everything Nicholas told you, then erased some of your memories and mixed them up. I mean it started telling you that the thing Nicholas was going through belonged to Dylan in reality, and made you think you never spoke to anyone in your early days when you were submitted to the hospital."

 "Yeah, I get it now. I made up a story in my head, to be innocent of the guilt and the pain of Lana's memory."

"Exactly, you're a brilliant young girl."

I smiled faintly then grabbed the door handle, but before I could leave I had to aske her one question.

"Julianne?"

"Yes Nia?"

"Am I in control of my mind, or is my mind in control of me?"