I want you

That's not where it ends...

Trigger warning
"Thats not where it ends" I sobbed wiping my tears on the back of my hand.

"When David died my uni offered me time off. I rejected it. I wanted to keep myself busy. I went to the funeral and it was awful. It was heartbreaking. Seeing his family there crying their eyes out. Seeing the boys, his best friends, completely broken.

And i felt it was all my fault.

He'd come to Bristol to propose.

If it wasn't for me he'd still be here, alive, living a different life. But alive.

When I went back to the university. Everyone acted differently, my friends didn't want to hang around with me because i was a mess. I was heartbroken, I was too sensitive.

But i was lonely. I missed having someone to talk to. Someone to love me. I'd had that for 4 years and it was ended so abruptly. I guess Lucy is right i did stay with him for the attention. But Mark was so intoxicating.

We met at the university library. Something out of a film i know. But we started talking and the next day we slept together. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't know him. The sex wasn't anything. Afterwards he fell asleep but i stayed up all night. Laying awake, clutching the ring that was around my neck. Crying.

I felt like I'd betrayed David. He hadn't even been dead for three weeks. Three weeks and I'd fucked someone else.

Quickly me and Mark got into a relationship. He was very different to David. He was blonde, tall, muscly. David was a bit taller than me brown hair.

I couldn't compare everyone to David.

Mark was clingy. But I needed clingy. I needed clingy to fill the gap. Mark wouldn't let me go out with certain people. Wouldn't let me wear certain clothes. He sat at the back of my lectures making sure I didn't talk to other boys. Lucy became a distant friend Mark didn't like her.

Then January 12th it happened. For the first time he hit me.

He hated the engagement ring i wore around my neck. He said it meant I didn't properly love him. I don't think I did,love him i mean, how could I I didn't really know him. I just loved his presence.

He came back from being out. He was drunk. It was late and he stormed into my flat that i had in Bristol. He'd basically moved in anyway. There no labels on us. No 'we moved in together' no 'first date' just sex.

I was sat in the lounge on the sofa texting. I was texting David's mum telling her I was still on at uni. Mark stormed in and took my phone.

'Why are you still texting his family. You're with me now!"

He threw my phone across my uni dorm-smashing it, i ran after it, shocked about his actions. It took him two leaps to reach me, i was crouched over my phone. He pushed me to the floor. His knees were on my shoulders to restrict my arms.

I couldn't fight him.

It was one punch to my ribs and one to left side of my face.

That was the first time, after that it became more frequent-and more dangerous. But I never left him. Because we needed each other. I needed him to fill the void of David. He needed me as a punching bag.

He made it so I was only ever with him. So that no one could see my bruises. And honestly I wish no one did see them, I felt weak with them. He made me feel bad, made out it was my fault. It was my tone or the way I looked at him that made him hit me that made him rape me-at least that's what he told me.

And looking back now I know he was evil and manipulating, but back then the loneliness and my thoughts of David were worse then being with him.

I don't know if I would still be with him know if it wasn't for what happened on the night of February 16 2014.

Well I missed my period by about a month or two-but because of everything going on it wasn't really the highest thing on my agenda. When Mark went to the pub I quickly brought a pregnancy test from the pharmacy, and took it back to my flat.

Pregnant.

Fuck.

Did I want this?

Midway through a degree, in a one bed flat, in a relationship that my subconscious knew was toxic. But I decided to tell Mark, and that was the best and worst decision I've ever made.

But before I did I texted Lucy to come over, and I'm so thankful I did.

Mark came over first, and basically he flipped-worse then he had ever done before. He hit me worse than he ever had before. Shouted at me worse than he ever had before. And I was wishing the neighbours would do something. I wasn't worried for myself I was worried for my child. He stripped me of my clothes, dragging my naked, battered, bruised body, by my hair out of my flat.

It was about half 1 at night. The night air in the hallways of the flat complex was cold against my bleeding, exposed body. The concrete floor under my feet felt like ice. Marks screams and shouts were now echoing around the walls, travelling up and down different floors of the building because we were right by the stairs.

And that's all I remember.

Lucy told me the rest. Said she heard shouts and crying, I don't remember crying, I was so numb from all emotions. She remembers running up the concrete stairs heading to my floor and seeing a naked body flying down the stairs laying lifelessly. She cradled my bruised bloodied body while she called the ambulance.

At the hospital I told the police, Lucy and my parents everything that Mark had done.

I guess it goes without saying that I had a miscarriage. How could a baby survive that kind of trauma-it was a miracle that I survived. I had a broken arm, collar bone, broken leg, fractured pelvis, and two cracked ribs, but because I'd never been to the hospital about other injuries that Mark had given me it was uncertain whether some of them were old injuries. But the only injury I cared about was the baby,it still upsets me, I had the gift of life and I let that monster destroy it by destroying me.

A trial took place and a jury heard what both me and Mark had to say. He pleaded not guilty, but the evidence was stacked against him. He got charged with 10 counts of rape, gbh with intent and attempted murder, and now he's in prison.

I left uni.

Couldn't bare the looks, whether they were dirty or sympathetic, I moved back to Cornwall and we'll skip forward and now I'm sat in a club toilet talking to someone I barely know,telling him my biggest secret"