The One That Got Away

Chapter 27: Bittersweet Memory

Suck it all and deal with it.

This had been my mantra for days now. Ive spent most of my days to bunch of works TV guestings and corporate shows without giving away a thought to what I've witnessed days ago. Or atleast, I've tried. It was never brought out, like it never happened and I pretended that it did not affect me in some level when facing the crowd. But this was my own reality and I have to deal with it.

I have to deal with the thought that she is not mine. That everything that I witnessed were all lies. That I have to deal with my fucking ego and to bring back my sanity.

I have to deal with it.

I have to deal with the fact that my dear little Yzian is slowly slipping away on my grip, simply because she is not mine.

Half of my heart died with it. Parang unti unting dinudurog yung puso ko sa tuwing naalala ko yung mga masasaya naming alala. How those little lips curved and formed a sweet smile.. The way she giggled... The way shes hugging me... Im just missing her so much. Pero wala akong magawa. Iam not her dad.

God, why? Ilang ulit ko na siyang tinatanong pero hindi parin niya ako binibigyan ng sagot. Siguro eto yung pinakamahirap sa lahat, yung lumimot sa mga ala ala na akala mo ay totoo. Because weather we admit it or not, this wasn't real. I was alone. And this is the reality that I have to live starting today.

But a part of me is still holding onto something that isnt even there, clinging to it even though I know its not real and never will be.

I was such a mess. I looked at the clock and it says 10:48pm.

I heard a knock on the door, pero hindi ko iyon pinansin. I opened up another beer and drunk it. Another knock followed, and still on my bed and no plans on opening it. "IAN ISA PA! WAWASAKIN KO TONG PINTUAN. BUKSAN MO TO!" I sighed deeply. It was mom. I lazyly walked off of my bed and peeked through outside. My head on the doorframe and not completely opening the door. I tightly closed my eyes and let out another sigh. "What is it, ma?" Iritado kong tanong.

Galit niyang ibinigay sakin ang isang kahon. "Iniwan ni Jorem at Shiela yan kanina, para daw sayo" I looked at the box she gave and realized it was all the pictures taken during Yzian's birthday party. My mood immediately changed when I remembered again how shin fooled me. Kung pano niya ako niloko at pinagmukhang tanga. Shit. This was all too much. I cant control myself. I keep on ignoring the pain and the anger towards her, but everytime I tried, my anger always turning into tears. And that is what exactly happening right now. I tried swallowing the lump on my troat so that tears wont appear this time. Not infront of her. She didnt know anything. Ayokong malaman niya.

"Just burn them ma, its just nothing anyway" inabot ko ulit sa kanya yung kahon and was about to leave...then she held my arm. "Pinaghirapan to ng mga pinsan mo, just to burn them?? What is happening to you, Ian!" Hinarap ko siya at tinanggal yung kamay niya. "Nothing ma. Kung ayaw mo, just leave it there." I just want this to stop. And another arguement with mom wouldnt help any. What she didnt know wont hurt her.

Nang maramdaman kong ibinagsak niya yung kahon at tuluyan nang umalis, dun ko naramdaman ang mas lalong pagbigat pa ng dibdib ko. I looked back at the closed door and saw the box opened. Siguro tumilapon na yung takip nito sa lakas ng pagkakabagsak ni mommy. I stared at it for a while. I ignored myself by the urge of digging whats inside the box. I tried. I drunk all that has been left on my beer and tossed it in the trash after finishing it.

Seconds later and I cant argue with myself anymore. Its as if gravity is pulling me towards it. Dahan dahan akong lumapit dito at kinuha iyon.