Diary Entry - Eundeok Married Life (Baekhera) [COMPLETED]

Do I want to love her?

Soondeok's diary

It's been a day since Eun left. I feel empty inside. I had a nightmare last night...we were surrounded by soldiers and Yo was the king. He told his men to capture everyone and killed them off...Eun and I were trying to escape but I blacked-out before I saw what happened next.

I woke up screaming for the prince this morning...my maid was there when I woke up. She's been with me all night. I told her about my dream and she gave me a hug and comforted me. Am I over-reacting? It all felt so real! I hope daddy will finish his mission...If Yo becomes king, then he'll probably kill father as well since father is on the Crown Prince's side...no matter what happens, I'll need to help mother escape. If I can't be with the prince, I'll have to at least send his mother to him...

Oraboni told me that the prince actually knows how to make babies...is that true? So he wasn't lying back then? I wonder when he learnt it...is it when he was focusing on his studies? Could be. My chest hurts more often these days, the doctor said he may have to double my dosage, but if I take it, he said it may be hard for me to have kids. I have to take it anyway, I need to stay alive if I were to meet the prince again, who cares if we don't have kids?

I should've told him to bring my sketch book with him...but I forgot. Perhaps it's a good thing, because now I can look at the pictures I've drawn when he's not around me. If my feelings are right, the king has already passed away, but no one is to know until the Crown Prince safely returns. Yet if Yo is as smart as I see he is...he'll be able to sense that too. A riot is sure to come. I'll need to send words to mother, telling her to be prepared. I may have to help her escape soon.

Eun's diary

Darn it! I was supposed to be there by today, but because of the landslides, the road has been blocked and I have to go around the mountain, it may take another day for me to get there. I'm now in an old inn in a small town in the middle of nowhere. 

I hope Soondeok's alright. My chest tightens every time I think about her – she looked really sad when I said my goodbye, her eyes were wet, her hands were shaking, for face so pale, so very very pale...I should've said something nice to cheer her up first. She said, 'I love you' for a couple of times...I know she really meant it, but I can't bring myself to say it to her. Will I be able to say it one day?

I dreamt that Soondeok and I were living in a small house up in the mountains last night. We had kids, many kids running around while she cooks and I play with them. I would carry them on my shoulder and sing to them – they would laugh and jump around while Soondeok teaches them marital arts as well as how to read and write. It was a dream too good to end, I didn't want to wake up from it this morning.

Will I be able to become one with her even though I don't love her? Will the fact that she's carrying my child make me love her? Will giving her all I have...make me love her? Do I... want to love her? I used to loath her for following me around, but now, this very moment, I wish she's by my side. Does this mean I'm starting to like her? Or am I simply being like a good brother to her? It's like...I know myself no more...ever since she came into my life.