Diary Entry - Eundeok Married Life (Baekhera) [COMPLETED]

Soondeok is my wife!

Eun's diary

For the first time...I hugged Soondeok last night. Those words I had said, I really meant it. Soondeok is mine – she's my person. And no one can change that, I will never let anyone change that. I've decided – I will not file the divorce. I will live with Soondeok till the end, I will be there, I will not leave her, I will not abandon her – she is my person. I want to tell her that, today, if I can. I don't want her to bring up the subject of divorce ever again, I will surely tell her that today. Will I be able to find the courage though...after all the bad things I've done to her, I've said to her, will I be able to express my thoughts to her? Will she forgive me? Will she forgive this jerk?

But what if I give her false hope? False hope of me loving her? Me not filing the divorce is an act of obligation, but will she think otherwise? I think our relationship now is like...friends, yes, friends. Will that be alright? Or should I just leave things as it is? Soondeok ah, why do you make me worry so? If my feelings towards Haesoo is love, then I don't love Soondeok. It's...it's just different. I want to be nice to her, I want to see her smile, I want to do things with her, play with her...but there's no spark. Will that change? Will we ignite a spark one day?

Soondeok's diary

I don't feel well today, is it because the weather's getting cold? My cough's still here and the chest hurts like hell this morning. Maybe I should find the doctor today – see if my condition's worsened. I'll go when Eun's not looking.

He...the prince's been weird lately, he's been oddly nice to me, what's happening? He even embraced me from behind last night saying that I'm his person. I swear I could've died of joy at that moment, his embrace was warm, secure, his words were sweet, his breath was soothing.

I wanted to tell him 'I love you' but I swallowed the words before they left my mouth... I was happy, too happy - but in a way scared. I was afraid if I'd said something, he'll change the subject. I was afraid if I had said something, he'll quickly deny what he had said, about me being his person. I was afraid, that he'll...leave me. I was afraid that these moments would come – making it harder for me to leave him after 2 years. I was afraid – I would fall deeper in love with him.

I fell asleep in his arms, I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamt that Eun and I had lots of kids and we all had a picnic up on the mountains together – we would catch fish by the creek, climb trees, roll on grass together. Eun would let me lean on his shoulder as we watch the sunset, as we watch our children giggle and have fun under the setting sun – he would hold my hand and sing to me until the fireflies come out. It was a dream too good to be forgotten. Oh, if only it were true! In my dream, I saw my horse as well! I miss her so, I think I'll visit her at the stables today. If only I could ride again, but I know I can't...at least not when I'm in this condition. I don't think...I'll last long.

Why is heaven being so cruel to me? Just as I was about to depart, I feel joyous, I feel loved and cared for. Just as things are getting better, my heart hurts...my body fails, my energy falls. Oh, heaven, hear my prayer...just 2 more years. Let me live for 2 more years, then take me to mother. 2 more years...with the prince.