Diary Entry - Eundeok Married Life (Baekhera) [COMPLETED]

The Punishment

Eun's diary

Soondeok knows everything now, she knows. In a way it pains me to see how torn she is, yet strangely, I feel much lighter now, knowing that I don't have anything to hide from her anymore. It's been 7 days since I last talked to her, she's been shutting herself in her room for this long. I've assigned a maid to be with her, at least that'll stop her from killing herself.

As for me, these 7 days too have been tormenting. All day long I pace outside her room, hoping for her to come out, hoping for her to tell someone to find me. Yet every time the door opens I would hide, afraid that the sight of myself would trigger her fragile heart. Eun ah, what should you do? I've been writing apology letters, lots of them, 20 at least, but have sent out none. I've been trying to take my mind off this by riding around or reading, but none of it helped. I miss my wife, I really do, but she needs this time alone, she needs it. It took me 2 months, I suppose it'll take her longer. I only pray that she won't injure herself or weaken yourself by skipping meals these few days.

I will wait, even if I have to wait for eternity, I will wait.

Soondeok's diary

Whenever I pick up the brush to write something, I feel like putting it down again. At last I can write something down today.

I hated Eun, I really did, the moment he told me the truth I hated him as much as I loved him. But now, I've come to realize that it's not him that I hate, it's myself. I hate myself for not knowing. I hate myself for having this weak heart. I hate myself for making him make such decision all by himself. I hate myself for bringing him tears instead of smiles ever since we got married. I hate myself, for making his life darker day by day. I hate myself for stopping my husband getting the happiness he deserves. I hate myself for not running away when I had the chance to. I hate myself, for being absolutely powerless. And I hate myself, for saying those mean words to my husband. I hate myself even more for not running out to find him even when my heart aches for him.

I miss him, I want to hold him, I want to see him, I want him. Yes, it tortured me, the thought of the loss of our child, but right now, what can I change? Will hating my husband bring our child back? Will blaming myself bring my child back? No. I long for Eun, yet I can't get myself to go outside and find him. Perhaps I'm afraid. Afraid that he too will hate me for hating him, dislike me for not understanding his good intentions and loathe me for overreacting.

Oh Soondeok ah, can't you just find your love already? You know your heart yearns for him, you know you want to be in his embrace, you know you want to hear him calling your name. Why can't you just go out and find him?

----------------------------------------------------

(Butler runs into the library to find Eun)

"YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS!!!!"

"What is it? Gosh, don't run! You're not as young as you used to be! What if you slip and break your hip?"

"Oh your highness! It's my lady! She's...she's sick!"

(Eun stands up at this news)

"What? Didn't I tell you to take good care of her for me?"

"She was fine before, even this morning she was fine but then-"

(Eun didn't have time for an explanation, he speeds to their room and barges in)

"Deok ah! Deok ah, you okay?"

(Soondeok looks up from her book, she was sitting on her bed reading)