Learning to Live Again (A Josh Ramsay Fan fiction)

Chapter Eight:

Josh just looked at me shocked, he reached out to grab my hand but I pulled it away just as fast.  “I am so sorry,” he said, “I figured he hurt you somehow, but didn’t think that.” 

“Well, how are you going to help?”  I yelled, “And if you say it will get better, I will pull this fucking car over and kick your ass out!  Because it has been 8 fucking-shit filled months!” 

“You’re right,” he said, “it will take a long time, and it will be hard, eventually one day it won’t be as hard, then the next won’t be as hard, but it will still be hard, nothing will take away the pain except time and living again.” 

“Where are we going?” I asked quietly.  He gave me the directions again. 

“Alright,” I said a little less angry, “you found out my secret, share a secret of yours.” 

“I didn’t agree on a Tit for Tat type of situation” he said smiling, “but I guess it’s only fair.”  Most of what he shared revolved around drugs use, bulimia and cutting, but he did say that what hurt him the most was being so much in love and not being able to make it work.  He shared about some of his past relationships stating that he would at times take the relationships for granted and not fully invest himself in them.  He stated that he loved them with all his heart, but was not able to necessarily express his emotions and when things would fall apart, instead of talking things out; he would just leave, only to go back to the relationship without making any necessary changes to sustain it, ultimately making the same mistakes repeatedly.  Eventually, the relationships would end, because as he says, he did not invest enough of himself.  When he was finished sharing, Josh stated “although I wouldn’t compare the pain that you are feeling to my own, I can understand how the loss of a loved one can have a crippling effect on your life and simply put, it will take more than time to repair.”

“Insightful,” I said, and gave him a shy smile.  “I think this is it,” I said as we pulled into the venue.

 With a laugh and kind of an arrogant attitude, “Now do you believe I am who I say I am?”

“I guess so, but still wasn’t it nice to not have someone freaking out all over you – I mean in the fan sense or course?”  I said with a little laugh remembering our initial meeting.

“I guess”, he pouted. 

We pulled into the parking lot in behind the building, and a security guard came out towards the car, I assumed it was to see who I was and why I was there.  When he saw Josh, Josh rolled down the passenger side window, the security guard walked towards Josh, laughed and said, “It’s about time you got back, they are freaking out!  Who is this”, he said leaning on the open window, and looking at me. 

Josh looked at me, and suddenly his smile faded, as he said, “I honestly have no idea, did you tell me and I forgot?”  He said rather embarrassed.

“No, I never told you, you just got into my car and told me to drive after sticking something in my back.  I was so scared I thought he was going to kill me!”  I said with such a straight face that the security guard was taken aback, not sure what to think.  “I am kidding,” I said, “My name is Jordan.  I ran into Josh here as I was leaving work, he sang me a song for a lift.” 

The security guard smiled, and went to where we pulled in and closed a big sliding gate.  I noticed that there were a bunch of people starting to gather, they all looked to be in their teens and early twenties, all screaming.  I could see cameras, Marianas Trench t-shirts, posters, CD’s, all stuff that they probably wanted to get signed.

“Thanks again,” Josh said.

“No problem; it was nice to meet you and thank you.” 

“Why don’t you come in and meet everyone?”

“I don’t think so, I am going to head home, but have a great show.” 

“You can’t leave just yet, please?  In fact, it is Friday, why don’t you stay for the show, my thank you for driving me?” 

“I can’t.” 

“Why not, what else are you going to do?” 

“Look, it is sweet of you to offer, but I would rather head home, I am not good with meeting new people, and it has been a long day, I just want to go home, curl into a ball and die.”  ‘Why am I so embarrassed’ I asked myself, ‘who cares that I have almost cried numerous times, I have to stop caring what other people think.  Rick would tell me that no one is better than me, I don’t need to be embarrassed or ashamed of anything. Besides, I will never see Josh again, and life will remain the same.’

Just then the security guard came back and said “until the fans leave the gate area, you are not leaving any time soon, so to make myself comfortable.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, what if I just run them all over!”  He laughed, and said, “If you have the balls to do that, awesome, otherwise as soon as I open that gate, they will all attempt to come in and it is just easier to keep them out.  I will open the gate for you when the show starts and they all head into the arena.” He smiled apologetically and started to head back to the back of the arena. 

“What time does the show start?” I asked.

“8pm” Josh said smiling. 

“That’s in like 2 hours!  How is it I do something nice for a stranger and I get screwed?” 

Josh looked at me and said, “See, might as well come in, and get something to eat and drink and meet the band.  Their better halves are here too, so you won’t be the only girl.” 

“Great.”  I said anxiously. 

“Come on, you work with offenders, were a guard and are scared of new people!  Take the tampon out of your vagina, grow some balls, and let’s go.”  Josh said as he rolled up the car window and got out of the car. 

“Wow, how can you say that to someone you just met?  Fucking douche bag.”  I said more anxious than angry. 

“Besides,” he said, “I still have your phone and am not going to give it back until I am satisfied that you have had a little fun and lived a little tonight.”