Learning to Live Again (A Josh Ramsay Fan fiction)

Chapter Twenty:

Josh just looked at me stunned.  He reached out and grabbed my hands and said, “What the hell are you talking about?  I am not leaving you alone!  I know this is insane, but I really do like you and want to get to know you better, not to mention I feel guilty as hell for what happened today.  I am not leaving.”

I sighed, “First off, this is not your fault, if I hadn’t left your tour bus, he never would have gotten me.  If I fought harder and was actually able to spray him with the pepper spray, it would be a different story.  The point is, today has been.... I don’t even have the words.  I like you too Josh, in some ways you remind me a lot of my husband.  Your confidence, your arrogance, your are undoubtedly an asshole, and I like that!  But, I think you need to go back to your friends, maybe talk about today and sleep on it.  After the adrenaline has worn off, and we are both able to think a little more clearly, if you want, you can give me a call.  And if you come to your senses, and realize that you do not need this type of drama and bullshit in your life, I will not be offended, in fact as much as I like you, I am hoping you make the right choice for you and move on with your life!  I had a great time tonight, well, before the kidnapping!  You helped me more than you may realize, but I cannot allow someone as great as you to get caught up in this mess.”

Josh just looked at me and opened his mouth to protest, but I stopped him.  “I am really sorry, this is not up for discussion,” I said as I touched the side of his face.  “I get the sense that you generally get your way, but tonight you won’t.  You need to talk to your friends, sleep and really think about this.  And know that you are a great guy who did help me to start to live again.”  He tried to speak again, but I pulled his face to mine and gently kissed his lips.  He did not argue and kissed me back pushing me against the car as he let out a low moan from his throat.

“You can’t just leave,” he whispered against my lips.  “I have never felt this way before, it’s like every time I touch you, electricity surges through me.”  He kisses me again, forcefully, urgently as his hands wonder from my hips to my ass.  He pins me to the side of my car, and I can feel him growing against me, I let out a low groan of my own as his tongue darts into my mouth.  I return his force and urgency as my hands go to the back of his neck, playing with his hair and pulling him closer.  All thoughts of my husband slowly fading away as I realize how much I have missed physical contact, being held and kissed with such passion.  I can feel the need for this man growing deep in my abdomen as the kiss deepens and we are both struggling for breath, yet neither one of us wanting to pull away.  As much as I want this man, we are both acting on adrenaline and once this wears of, regret may set in.  No good choices are made on this feeling. 

He pulls away for a split second to allow us to breathe, and I take the opportunity to slow things down and emphasize what I said earlier.  “Josh” I whisper, “I am serious about what I said.  You need to take some time, think about what has happened today and sleep it.”  Although Josh looked hurt, and was ready to put up a fight, he slowly and regrettably pulled away from me.  I softly touched his face and turned to open my car door.

“What are you doing?”  Josh asked in a tone that made me feel like I had stabbed him in the back and the heart at the same time.

“I am getting a pen.  Here give me your arm.”  I said reaching for his hand.  He eyed me with such sad eyes but gave me his hand.  I rolled up his sleeves and noticed he took a deep breath and shivered a little.  “See, your touch does this to me, how can you expect me not to be near you?”

“For now, give it some time, I bet it is simply adrenaline and shock from today.  But here is my number and address.”  I said as I wrote the digits on his arm.  “In the morning, when you wake up, if you want give me a call.  But please, there is no pressure!  It was great to meet you I will never forget what he did for me today.  If nothing else, you made me realize what I have been missing out on, and I want to get it back.”

“I can’t just let you go, not after everything, not knowing how you feel.”  He gently touched my face, his eyes sad and pleading.

“You aren’t letting me go, you saved me, now I am just going home and you are going to try and get some sleep.  You are not going to win this Ramsay.”

“Fine, but I want you to call me when you get home, if I can’t get you home safe, I want to know that you are still there safe and sound.”

“Alright, I can do that.”

Josh pulled me in for another brief kiss and hugged me tight, as I questioned myself and the choice I made.  I pulled out of the hug and turned to get into my car.  I closed the door, started the engine and rolled down the window.  Josh leaned in and said “I hate this you know, I don’t want to say goodbye and I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know, but for now, I think it is best.”  He leaned in further and kissed me again, deep and passionate.  “I will call you and see you again,” he whispered against my lips.  I smiled “take care of yourself Mr. Ramsay, you are something very special.”

With that, he stood back up, and smiled a sad smile at me as I put the car in drive and started on my way home.  I could see him in the rear-view mirror; he seemed so sad and lost.  I hated myself in that moment.  ‘How could I do this to him?  My life is such a mess; he doesn’t deserve any of this.  Why am I leaving when I want this man to hold me, touch me, and love me?  Screw good intentions, I may never see him again, and I wouldn’t blame him at all.  Maybe, just maybe, I should bring him home with me.’

A/N: Will Jordan change her mind?  Will she turn around and take Josh home with her?  Please comment, are you enjoying the story so far?  A huge thank you for reading this far!