Learning to Live Again (A Josh Ramsay Fan fiction)

Chapter Eleven:

I have no clue what was said when I left, but within minutes I was near my car.  I could hear the back door to the building slam closed, someone came out behind me.  All I could hear was someone, a woman, yelling in anger “Josh, stop!  What the hell is wrong with you!”

Josh started running after me.  I didn’t care that he still had my phone, I would buy a new one.  It was not worth going back there.  I pulled out the keys to my car from my jacket pocket and hit the unlock button.  Just as I was about to open the door, Josh pushed it closed and pinned me to the car.  I turned around, and started punching him, and trying to knee him in the groin, but he grabbed my arms and pinned them to the car, and pressed his body so close to mine that I was unable to lift my knee.

“Look, I’m sorry, I went too far, I should not have said that and I am so sorry.”  He said.

“JUST FUCK OFF, LEAVE ME ALONE, AND LET ME GO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” I screamed.

“No, I won’t do that.  I know what I said was stupid and hurt, but I was not entirely wrong was I?  If I was you would not be reacting this way.  You know there is truth there, you know I am right.”

“Fuck you, you fucking douche bag, asshole and go to hell,” I said between clenched teeth.

“I think you are already there,” he said, in an oddly comforting tone.

“What the fuck do you want from me, just let me go,” I begged.

“I want you to be happy, I want you to live”

“What the fuck does it matter to you?”

“I know this is a messed up situation, how we meet and everything, and just like how you didn’t believe me when I told you who I am, you may not believe this, but there is something about you.  I really like you.  Not only do you swear like a trucker, or I guess a jail guard,” he said with a smirk “you are stubborn, challenging, horribly sarcastic, yet sweet, caring, loving, trusting, and really, someone that I would really like to get to know better.”  

I just looked at him, still hurt from the words before, and tired of everything.  I am not sure if I actually was able to comprehend a thing that he said, but I did stop struggling, and trying to punch him. 

He sighed, as he released by arms that he had pinned to the car, brushed my hair out of my face, and wiped a single tear that was falling down my cheek with his thumb and moved his hands to my hips.  “You know that song you like that I sang to convince you who I am?”  I just nodded.  “I think I know what your interpretation of it is, that you should be striving for.”  I did not say anything, but looked over his shoulder, afraid to look into his eyes.  Josh continued, “Alive again, is just that, you have to live again, even after a terrible tragedy, it won’t be the same, you may feel out of place, awkward, and like you don’t fit anymore, but somehow, you have to live.  You will feel like you belong again, you will start to feel like you fit in, and in time, you won’t feel awkward or out of place.  Jordan, you do belong, and someday you will feel like it too, but you need to work at it.  You can’t just crawl into a hole and ignore the world.  Is this really what your husband would want?  For you to continue to suffer?  I may be overstepping here, but I really do think he would want you to be happy, to find some peace and love in your life again.”

My eyes met his again, and a compassionate smile spread across his lips.  He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in for a hug.  My arms, which were still down at my sides, went around his waist and enjoyed the comfort his strong arms provided.  I rested my head in the space between his neck and shoulder.  “Your family is right,” he whispered into my ear, “it will get better, it just takes time, there is no easy answer to fix how you feel, but you have to keep living.”

He squeezed me tighter before he released me from the hug, and moved his hands back to my hips.  When he pulled away, he just looked into my eyes and smiled, wiping one final tear falling down my cheek with his thumb.  He started to move closer to my lips...