Learning to Live Again (A Josh Ramsay Fan fiction)

Chapter Twenty-Seven:

Monday Morning

Jordan’s POV:

I woke up before Josh, and was thankful we did not have to talk about my slip up last night.  I don’t want to freak him out, I just want to keep him around for as long as I can have him.  Besides, its ridicules to think that this could be love!  I decided to make some French toast and bacon for breakfast, and started to brew some coffee.  When everything was ready, I could hear Josh coming down the stairs.

“Morning, how did you sleep?”  I asked handing him a plate of food.

“Good, best I have in a long time.”  He came over and kissed me, taking his plate with a huge smile.

He sat down at the table, taking a bite of bacon and asked, “So your boss knows about everything, do you think you should call your family before it hits the news?”

“It won’t make the news, there were no camera’s and if they print my name, I can always say it was someone else.”

“Jordan…”

Joining him at the table, I cut him off, “I really don’t want them to worry.  They already don’t like that I work with offenders in the community, or live in Toronto, and alone.  They are pressuring me to move back home to be closer to them.  This would just make them worry, and besides, nothing happened.  I am safe now, the police are going to catch him.”

“I think you should tell them.” 

“I will, when there is something to tell.  But right now, I just want to be with you.”  He simply sighed, showing that he was going to give up the argument.  After a couple minutes of blissful silence, I said, “I was thinking…”

“Yeah…”

“Well, you are going to do another show soon right?”

“Yeah…”

“Why don’t you invite everyone over, I can make a nice home cooked meal, even use the Barbeque.  What do you think?”

Josh’s POV:

BBQ?  What the hell, I thought she was going to talk about what she didn’t say last night. 

“Sounds good, I’m sure the guys would love a BBQ.  But I think we should talk about last night?  Don’t you?”

“There is nothing to talk about, you are an amazing man, I meant it.  Now, why don’t you call the guys, I will make a grocery list and we can have everyone come over tonight.”

“Why are you avoiding this?  And why do you keep trying to distract me, you said you wouldn’t play games and would be honest.”

“I’m not trying to distract you,” she said as she gathered the breakfast dishes “I want to get to know your friends better, and this is the best way I know how.” 

“I know what you are doing,” I said as I followed her into the kitchen.  “What are you afraid of?”  She shivered as I brushed a kiss onto her shoulder.  “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know, it’s just….”

“What?”

“I want to be honest.  But, I really don’t want to talk about this right now.  Can we not talk about something so serious?”

I was starting to get frustrated.  I don’t understand why she won’t say what I know she is thinking, what I am feeling too!  She has to know that I feel the same way.  I took the dishrag out of her hand that she started to clean the table with, and threw in onto the counter.  Then took her hands in mine and said, “I think we need to talk about this now.”  She just stared at me, wide eyed.  I looked deep into her eyes and could tell that she was hiding something, but it looked like fear.  But fear of what?  She can’t possibly be afraid of how she is feeling, could she?  “You said ‘you’re someone I could…’ what Jordan, someone you could what?”

Her body shook, and her eyes started to tear up.  On my God, this is not what I wanted.  Of course she is afraid, she has been through so much, and here I am pushing her, forcing her into something that she is not ready for.  Maybe she does have feelings for me, but this is not the way to find out.  As quickly as that question crossed my mouth, I pulled her into my arms and hugged her tight.  “I am so sorry, please don’t answer, I don’t want to make you more afraid as you already are, and we can talk about this another time, or just forget the whole thing.  I am so sorry.”  She wrapped her arms around me and buried her head into my chest.  I felt like such a douche.  It’s been such an emotional couple of days, she is not fully over her husband’s death, and I am forcing her into reveling emotions that may not even be there.  “Jordan, please forgive me, I didn’t mean to hurt you, or push you.  I’ll let it go.  Please, forgive me.”  I whispered into her ear.  She just held me tight, I could feel her crying lightly as her body shook, I just held her tighter and let her cry.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said as she loosened the grip she had around my waist and looked at me. 

“No, Jordan, you did nothing wrong, you tried to tell me to leave it alone, but I pushed.  I’m the asshole.  I’m so sorry.”  I wiped a stray tear that was falling over her cheek, and she put her head down, seemingly embarrassed by her reaction.  “You have nothing to be sorry or embarrassed for” I told her.  She just looked at me and smiled a shy smile. 

“I am such a mess, I’m going to go have a shower and clean myself up.  What do you think about the BBQ idea?”

“It sounds great.”

Jordan gave me another quick hug and turned to head back upstairs, “Jordan, are you ok….are we ok?”  I know I had no right, but I had to know that at least she was not mad at me and we would be ok.

“I’m ok, and yes, we’re ok.  It’s ok that you asked, I just can’t….”

“I know, it’s okay, I take it back.  Let’s have some fun today, nothing serious,” I tried to smile my best happy smile, even though I was still hurting inside.  Maybe she doesn’t feel the same way I do.  “I’ll call the guys and take their orders.”

She walked back over to me, gently leaned against me and pulled my head down to meet her lips.  It was the most tender kiss we have ever shared.  And just as quickly as she kissed me, she turned and hurried up the stairs.