Nothing Holdin Me Back

IX

"Denial at its finest."

•••

Shawn.

I left Maddox's apartment and down the street back to mine. I wish I could describe what happened in there but I couldn't. I didn't want to think about what I said. I couldn't.

It was something I never should've said. Not because it wasn't true because it was. I meant what I said, but it wasn't how she probably seen it. I left her apartment feeling happy.

Though once I walked out and the air hit me it was like I was woken up from a dream. Like it was reality coming back to my brain. My job, my assignment, and who she was came back to me.

I suddenly didn't feel happy anymore, I was upset with myself. I allowed myself to get a little too comfortable. I got rid of the feeling and walked back to my door. I unlocked it with my key and walked in before closing the door behind myself.

I looked and stopped in my tracks. It was like one of those movie scenes. The one where the teen boy walks in late after curfew and their parents are up waiting for them. Except he didn't have a upset expression, but a smug look on his face.

"What?" I asked as I slowly walked over.

"Oh nothing you just seemed to have a nice night." Matt said.

That's when I realized he was listening and watching. I rolled my eyes knowing full well he wasn't going to let me live it down.

"I don't know why you watched, I was there with her." I told him feeling a little bit annoyed.

Matt chuckled, "Yeah I know but I was just making sure you were keeping your cool. Then come to my surprise you were a little too comfortable with Maddox."

I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle from it, "I don't know what you're talking about. I had to play the part." I told him before drinking some of the water.

"Oh so the whole I thought you were one person but you're the opposite, you can protect yourself and you're very independent and that it being admirable was all fake? A lie?" Matt asked.

I nodded my head, "Yeah I told you Matt, I don't get close to the subjects. It's my job not to."

He stood up and raised his eyebrow in question, "So you would never go out with this girl. Like if she wasn't our subject and you actually met her, you wouldn't ask her out?" He asked me.

I studied him and questioned his intentions, "Why do you care?" I asked him.

I hated when my friends questioned my love life or the lack of. I thought everyone knew where I stood and how I put work first. But they don't because they're all in relationships or fooling around with other women. They don't see why I'm single and choose to be that way.

"I just thought that with the way you acted with her that I don't know...you seemed to kind of actually like her." He admitted.

I shook my head, "I don't Matt all she'll ever be is the subject of our mission. We'll catch Hernandez and be off back to New York. She'll be here, continuing with her life and that's the way our job works."

"Denial is a sign my dear friend. Because what I saw wasn't something you fake. I've worked with you for years, I've seen your acting. And that wasn't an act. It was real, you don't want to admit it." Matt told me as he sat back down on the couch.

I rolled my eyes, "You have no idea what you're talking about. I don't have feelings for this girl so drop it and go back to staring at that screen." I said feeling more annoyed than before.

I walked over to my room and closed the door behind me. I dropped down on my bed and looked up at the popcorn ceiling. The fan was rotating in a slow pace causing the room to be cool.

I was annoyed with Matt not because of him or the fact that he watched us. But because I started to think that he could be right. I wasn't my usual self when I am alone with her. It was nice and comfortable, I was comfortable. A little too much.

That's when my thoughts came back and I realized I can't have that. I have to remember what I told Matt. We only came to LA to protect Maddox, and when the job is done we'll leave. I'll be across the country miles and miles away from her.

I can't blow my cover and put her in danger. I need to play it safe and not get attached.

No matter what.

Authors Note//
Sorry it's a short update
But as always let me know what you think
Until Next Time Peace Lovelies✌🏼💚