Nothing Holdin Me Back

XXXI

"Hope is what you should never lose."

•••

(I listened to Never Say Never by the Fray when writing but listen to what you please)

Maddox

Rain, the salty smell that reminded me of the ocean. When I smelled rain I remembered being so excited. Excited to know it would be nice and gloomy as gray clouds covered the sky. The way I could open all my windows and just hear the drops tap on the window.

Or when they would hit the ground, especially when it was pouring. Rain always brought me happiness and joy just to know id get to smell and see it. Though as I heard the rain tap against the ground, the smell of salt mixing with blood. It ruined everything, all my happy thoughts.

Gone. I sat there still and in shock as I heard the sirens near. I stared at his chest slowly rising and falling, my hands still applying pressure to his wound. But in that moment I didn't even know what my body was doing. It's like I was miles and miles away from my thoughts, my feelings, my body.

I could hear a bunch of footsteps tap against the puddles. The splashing sounds and the sound they would make when their feet hit the cement. I heard shouting but it all seemed muffled. I was soon being picked up and moved away from Shawn, when I lost the touch of him that's when I was brought back to reality.

I watched as the paramedics rushed to Shawn's side. They started to check his vitals before putting him on a gurney. Another pair of medics tended to Adam not that I cared. He didn't deserve to get helped.

"Maddox? Maddox? Hey, are you okay?" I heard someone asking me but I didn't bother talking.

I didn't even look at them, my eyes were still locked on Shawn. He looked pale and his breathing becoming slower and uneven. The way he just laid on the gurney, looking lifeless. Just thinking about him passing away felt like a squeeze on my heart.

"Oh my god, Maddox!" I heard a all too familiar voice yell.

I looked over and seen Jess running towards me. I got out of the embrace of whoever held me and into her arms. We collided together and I hugged her tight and she reciprocated the squeeze.

"You're Okay? Oh my goodness I am so sorry." Jess apologized.

"Man we need you to get in the ambulance. We're going to take you to the hospital to tend to your hands." A paramedic said.

I looked over at him in confusion before looking down at my hands. My fingertips were wet with blood but I knew that it wasn't mine. But my gauze was soaked with the blood from the gashes on my palms.

"Yeah, Okay." I said in a monotone.

I refused to let myself feel, to allow myself to think about anything that's happened in the last 48 hours. Because if I did, if I were to be weak for a split second I would crumble.

I followed the paramedic to the same ambulance they had Shawn in. When I was seated I shut my eyes, I refused to look at him. I refused to look at what I caused to happen to him. It was all my fault.

I called him, I was the one that didn't do something sooner. I just stood there defenseless, like some weak girl who needed saving. Then when I finally decided to fight back it was too late. If I did that sooner, if I had ended things before I ran away from him the first time.