alllll the fics

You'll Only See This Once

Description: (from Dan’s POV) All the times Phil has seen him cry, he’s said it would be the only and last time. 

Warnings: None, because it’s sweet.

The first time you ever saw me cry was in early 2009. I got back from school and sat through a long, boring lecture from my mom. She told me I needed to apply myself in school, and that I’d fail in life if I didn’t, and that there were only months left for me to get my grades up before I’d graduate. I said to her that you said I didn’t need to work harder, and that I’ve already worked enough. She got mad, and told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to, as she referred to you, that Phil boy anymore. She took away my laptop and sent me to study in my room. Instead, I spent hours wandering around, wishing I could talk to you somehow. I spent hours being mad and kicking walls. So later, when I was sure everyone was asleep, I snuck my laptop out and called you on Skype. And of course, you were there. You were always there. Your face showed up on my screen, with your messy hair and glasses, and I told you we weren’t allowed to talk anymore. You asked why, and you looked so sad. Suddenly, all my anger from the past few hours melted away into sadness. I told you the truth, and I told you how scared I was to grow up. I told you I wasn’t ready to leave school and make a life for myself. It seemed impossible. I was still just a kid. How could I be on my own? You told me it was okay, and you were sure I’d do fine. You said you believed in me, and I cried. I felt so weird crying when you could see me, but you didn’t seem to care. You told me to imagine you were there holding me and making me feel better. It worked, though I wished I could actually feel your arms. I wiped the last of my tears and laughed dryly. “This is the only time you’ll ever see me cry, Phil,” I promised, snuffling. “You’ll only see this just this once.” You laughed and said you doubted it. You gave me your phone number, your actual phone number, and told me you had to go. For the next month, our Skype calls were scheduled late at night, when we had to whisper and when no one could hear. I was still scared, I’ll admit it. But you didn’t see me cry. Not anymore.

The next time was a lot later in our lives. It was 2011, when we did our first radio show. It was just a one time thing, but we were both so nervous. An hour later, it was over, and we were off the air. I took my headphones off and I looked at you. Your cheeks were flushed and you still looked shocked. You saw me looking and flashed a smile, and we hugged. We made it to the elevator in our building before I lost it. I put my face on your shoulder and I cried because I was just so happy. You patted my back and asked me why I was crying, and I told you because it was all coming together. We were getting famous, for real that time. 18 year old Dan would’ve been so proud of me for doing the show, but so upset, because I was crying, breaking my pact to myself that had lasted 2 years. You was the on to wipe my eyes that time. “This will be the only time you see me cry,” I said, hoping you wouldn’t remember. You smiled and nodded, though I knew you remembered. You didn’t tease me. You were too nice for that.

The next time was in February of 2013. I got 1,000,000 subscribers, and I felt like I could die of happiness. I said in the video that I promised myself I wouldn’t cry like Shane did, and I kind of didn’t. I didn’t cry, or even feel like crying until long after the camera was off. You walked in and kissed me. You told me how proud you were of me, and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. You knew I was crying happy tears, so you just kissed me again and swept the hair back out of my face. I told you it was silly to be proud of me. But what I never told you was that had you told the same Dan who cried to you over Skype that one day that he would one day reach a million subscribers and that Phil Lester, the boy he loved, would be kissing his cheeks and telling him how proud you were, he probably would’ve cried again. Because he’d be so happy. 

And that was it. You never saw me cry otherwise, and I liked it that way. I never really counted how many times you cried in front of me, but I know it was more than three. But the truth is, there was one more. There was one more time I cried. And I know you remember it. Your hands were shaking in mine, and you looked so nervous, like you were worried I’d walk out. As if. You looked so nice in your suit, with a red carnation in the lapel of your jacket. I matched you. And everyone we knew was watching. All the subscribers and all our friends and family. The camera sat rolling and showing the people a live view as we said our vows. Your eyes looked misty as you said “I do” in a voice that wavered, but I didn’t think you’d actually cry. I said I do easily, and we kissed. I said goodbye to my old name silently. “Presenting to you, for the first time, Mr and Mr Lester!” How beautiful. We walked down the aisle together, and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. You stopped and kissed it away, and I felt a smile come to my face. “No crying,” you whispered. “Today is a happy day, Mr. Lester.” I looked at you, smiling more. “And I am happier than I have ever been.” It felt a little weird being addressed that way, but the name Daniel James Lester has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? You gave my hand a squeeze and we snuck off into the bushes to kiss more and actually enjoy our wedding. More tears fell as I realized how truly happy I was. I wiped my face on my sleeve and laughed. “This will be the last time you see me cry,” I promised. And I wasn’t right that time, either. But really, why would such a little promise matter anyway?