alllll the fics

Lies

Description: Dan has lit too many matches with his lies, and everything is guaranteed to burn.

Warnings: Apparently at 2 in the morning I get all creepy and poetic. But one thing that is the same: Sad. Sad as hell. I’m sorry. (Note: Like I said, this was written at 2 am and I haven’t read over it yet)

Everything must come to an end. It’s as simple as that. We all know that nothing good can last forever. It’s usually because the bad in the world just begins to block out the good and it is forgotten in the dark, but sometimes there are different reasons. In some cases, the cause can be that the good was just not there. Good can not only be overcast and turned to gray by the terrible things, but bad things can be painted a happy shade and made to seem good. And how is that done? With lies. Lies are what carried them along, and Dan knew. Phil probably knew somewhere deep inside, but the promise of a good thing can shadow things over, too. Shadows are our keepers in this world, and we just wait to see the color of shadow it will cast.

Dan knew all along what color this would be. It would start off red and foggy black, colors of lust swirling through the air like fog. Dan knew that it was lies swirling with it, but he wanted to make them be the truth. He wanted the mist to fade to pink and orange like sunsets, like love. But love was something that never came particularly easy to Dan. Love is a difficult concept for some, but they still manage to grasp it and feel it. Not for Dan. No matter how he willed his heart to let him fall, Dan never fell in love with anyone. But cold, blocked off hearts only shut out the chances of it’s carrier to love. They don’t stop people from falling for the owner. They don’t stop boys with icy eyes and raven hair from falling deep. Dan’s inability to love didn’t stop Phil, because Phil didn’t know. And why didn’t Phil know? Because of the lies. Lies were what kept them afloat for years. Lies were what made Dan whisper sleepy ‘I love you’s in the ear of his boyfriend though he never felt it. Phil was never meant to fall for him. It was supposed to be a friendship and nothing more. But what can you do? Lies are a powerful thing. Lies create feelings, and they wither them away as well. Lies are what broke Phil’s heart. And lies are what made Dan realize he might as well not have a heart to break.

Dan told himself about a million times over their years together that he was in love. Not because he was, but because he wanted to be. He knew it must be possible. There was a spark that flew between their lips, electricity in their fingertips, thunderstorms when they touched. Dan wanted to know what it was like falling in love and wanting just to cuddle and hug and smile instead of fuck his brains out. He’d given sweet smiles when he wanted to make out, held hands when he’d wanted to feel Phil stretch him, gave everything, just because he’d wanted sex. He wanted to do it for Phil. He wasn’t in love, and he knew. But he still felt he could change it if he tried. He thought he could make himself fall in love, because he could see Phil was able to. Phil was able to fall in love, and Dan could see it in his eyes. He saw Phil glow and sparkle like the sun when Dan kissed his cheek or held his hand. Dan wondered if he ever looked like that, though he knew he didn’t. Because that was love. Dan Howell never felt love. Dan Howell pretended for years, but Dan Howell had never loved Phil Lester. And the worst part? Dan was selfish enough to make Phil believe he did. It was because he wanted to. Dan would’ve done anything in his power to make Phil, his best friend, happy. But falling in love wasn’t in his power. So Dan lied. Because lying was all he knew to do.

Dan sat on his floor cross-legged, trying to drown out his shame with headphones and chocolate, but he could hear it. Phil in the next room sat sobbing and dying inside, probably laying on his floor, too. Dan wished so much that he could change himself. He wanted nothing more than to love the boy with the crooked laugh and the tongue smile and the perfect pout, but he couldn’t. He saw Phil as a toy, and that’s not what he wanted. Phil had been for sex in Dan’s point of view, and he regretted doing it. But it would be worse if he felt bad for himself. He should feel bad for Phil. Phil was tearing apart at the seams, and there was no one to stitch him up. Dan paused his music and listened to Phil’s stuttery crying, and each new sob brought a wave of pain shooting through Dan’s heart. Maybe he didn’t love Phil, but he loved him in a different sense. Friends, however, are not lovers. Friends are the people you’d turn to at a time like this, not the ones who caused it. Dan wanted to comfort him, but he knew he’d only serve to further hurt Phil. Because that hug may reignite the flames in Phil’s eyes, but it couldn’t revive something that hadn’t existed within Dan. It would be a lie. And lies were the one thing to avoid.

Matchbooks slowly destroy themselves with each match you light on it. They wear away at the material until it is thin and overused. Matchbooks do not hold 4 years worth of matches. One matchbook doesn’t hold 4 years of soft kisses and faked whispers of “I love you.” 4 years of lit matches will tear through and ruin the book, and it will crumble away and burn. From there, you are left with ashes, and that is when it’s over. That is when the game is through and it has been burned out. You can’t light matches from ashes, Dan knew. But he tried. He tried so hard to keep he flames coming. But the more you use, the more matches you try striking, the more it will crumble. It will fade from oranges and pinks that were never there to red and black until it is back to piles of ashy gray and nothingness. With each lie, Dan lit up another match that he’d never even planned to use. He was starting fires for the sake of starting fires. Dan knew it was his fault. Dan knew he was the reason Phil had crumbled. Dan knew he should’ve told the truth. He’d just tried hoping that the lies would one day become the truth. But what is hope? It’s a lie. Everything is a lie. And every lie is a match.

Dan lit too many matches, and Phil was the one who burned out.