alllll the fics

Falling Asleep

Description: Dan’s story about falling asleep with Phil.

Warnings: Just a little sad near the middle.

A long time ago, when I was 17, I fell asleep listening to him breathe. It sounds odd to you, I know. He was miles and miles away, but we slept together over our webcams. We beat the world at it’s game. We weren’t together in person, but love knows no distance. But it was the best thing I’d ever done. I felt like he was right there next to me. I felt more comfortable and safe than I’d felt in years. I felt like maybe he’d been sent to me to save me. He was my guardian angel. If that’s truly why he was with me, if it was for the sole purpose of saving me, he succeeded.

A long time ago, when I was 18, I fell asleep with his arms around me and his breath stirring my hair softly as he hugged me to his chest. I didn’t think I’d fall asleep, honestly. How could I? There was so much to say. I thought I’d told him everything there was for me to tell, but now I realized there was so much more to say. I needed to talk to him. I could hardly close my eyes. I was lying in his room and I felt safe and it was probably the best moment of my life. I eventually did drift off, but not soundly. I needed to say so much, but it was all forgotten in my light sleep upon his chest. The things I thought remain forgotten and unsaid.

A long time ago, when I was 21, I fell asleep for the first time in years without his arms around me. There were tears soaking my pillow. They had been warm and almost comforting for a while, but they’d dried and were cold and annoying, much like the empty space in my bed. Nothing could substitute what it was like to really sleep beside him. I wanted to scream and yell, but it was 2 in the morning. He was surely asleep in his room beside mine. I didn’t want to wake him up. He’d broken my heart, but he still held the shards, and I wanted him to take it easy on me. So I left him be. Truth be told, I didn’t fall asleep in my room. I slept in the hall where I could hear his soft snores. They made me feel a little better.

Not so long ago, when I was 22, I didn’t fall asleep anymore. My nights were spent up watching his videos and our videos and the videos that had once been reserved for my eyes only. I cried my eyes out over them and shook and missed him with all of my being. I don’t know how long it took, probably a week at least before I got back to sleeping. And when I did, I woke up with him beside me. He never explained why he came in and crawled beside me, but I wasn’t complaining. I knew he’d missed me, and that made my absolute mental breakdown seem a little less extreme. Not really, but I like to think so. He fell asleep behind me with me cuddled up in his arms. I remembered what it felt like to have my guardian angel watching over my shoulder while I slept. Because that’s what he was to me. He was still my savior, 5 years and 1 heartbreak later. It was all okay again. Because he never fell asleep without me again.

Someday, in the future, when I am older and frail, I can only pray he will still hold me on his chest and sigh his little happy sighs in my ear. I can only hope that while time may change many things, his love won’t be one. He’s told me I don’t have to just hope, because he won’t ever leave me again. He said he felt like he had put me under too much pressure, and that I needed to breathe. I nodded at him, never telling him that he’d left me without any air to use when he went. I don’t know what the future will hold for my guardian and I, for me and Phil. All I know is that he will hold me.