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Skype Call

Description: (Phil’s POV) Dan logged off of Skype and didn’t come back. Phil knows why.

Warnings: Death (of course what did you expect), sadness, implications of suicide.

I can try calling again.

I can go and try to call him, maybe he’d pick up.

I can stare at the screen and will him to get online.

But he won’t. I know he won’t.

It’s been 6 months since he logged off. I don’t know where he’s been, I don’t know if he’s coming back. I don’t know what has become of my beautiful Dan, but I have an idea, and it terrifies me. I feel like maybe I do know where he is, and I feel like he’s not coming back because he can’t. And it’s my fault. I couldn’t save him. I tried so hard, but he was just.. I couldn’t do it. How could I ever convince him that he was worth it? I knew he was, I knew it, but I didn’t know how to let him know it. It wasn’t like I could hold him and kiss his neck and tell him he’d be okay, he’d be safe. He was 200 miles away, and he still is. And now, he feels even further. I can try to call.

Ring ring.

Ring ring.

Ring ring.

Nothing.

He was the highlight of my day every day, and I was his. He’d pick up with a smile and messy hair, and he’d tell me about his day. We’d talk and play the little games that we could, we’d dance together, we’d read together, blow kisses and talk about how much we wished we were together. He tried not to talk about school. Dan hated school. He hated the classes and the buses and the people. He hated all of it. I didn’t force him to talk about it, but sometimes, he needed to rant. So I’d let him. He told me he didn’t want to ever have to go back, and he told me he wanted to be an actor, not a lawyer. He told me he never wanted this life, he wanted to do what he wanted, not what his parents wanted. I’d told him if I could, when I could, I’d take him away from all that, that we’d meet and we’d fall even deeper in love and that everything would be okay. He believed me. But every day got a little worse. Every day he seemed a little more drained, he seemed a little less alive. But his eyes still smiled at me, even when his lips didn’t. I could see it. He was happy with me, and nowhere else. And I’d just wanted to save him.

I can try to call him again.

I won’t bother this time, because it won’t happen. He’s not there, he’s not anywhere. He’s in the sky, the ground, everywhere but in front of his webcam talking to me. I knew it, and it made me feel sick and weak. I know Dan is dead. He did something. He did something bad and it took him from me. Dan wasn’t supposed to leave that way. Dan wasn’t ever supposed to leave. There was no reason for him to. He was 18, and he had so much life left ahead of him. He had just bought tickets to come see me. We were so happy. He was going to be out of school and he could come see me and we could be together at last. But something went wrong somewhere down the line. Someone with more power than us decided we weren’t fated to be together. Something- fate, destiny- tore us apart. And it wasn’t fair. Dan was my escape, and I was his. He was enough for me, but I guess I wasn’t enough for him. Dan did something, someone did something that took him from me. I know. I know. But I couldn’t, I still can’t stop myself from staring at his name and waiting for him to come back to me.

I can call him again.

Ring ring.

Ring ring.

Ring ring..