alllll the fics

From Here

Description: (Based on this post: http://sirdanielhowell.tumblr.com/post/77781752125/dearoldlove-two-months-into-our-relationship) From Phil’s POV. I changed the idea a bit, and I only made it sadder.

Warnings: Character death (sorrysorrysorrysorry) and just so much sadness. This made me cry as I wrote it, and that only ever happened with one other story of mine.

I remember.

We were about a year into our relationship, Dan and I, and everything was great. I’d never been more in love with anyone than I was with him. I’d helped him, and he said I’d saved him from what he might have been. He said I saved him from becoming someone he didn’t ever want to be. He said he was always self conscious, about his body and the way his bones poked out, and his beautiful loud laugh and his dimples so deep it looked like someone had simply cut his cheeks. I never quite understood why he didn’t love himself. I couldn’t see anyone being unable to fall in love with the beautiful chocolate eyed boy I saw in front of me. He was made of glass, and I was almost scared to break him each time I’d hold him in my arms. He was perfect, from his hobbit hair to the cute freckles sprinkled across his cheeks that were hidden from the camera, visible only to me. But I knew that sometimes, we wear our best traits behind our backs. I knew that maybe Dan just needed someone to show him that it was there. And if we all had those signs, if there were really little slips of paper on our backs that said what makes us perfect, his would be short and sweet, straight to the point. His would simply read "Everything." So I took my time, and I showed him that word, the word he wore on his back. And he learned that it was okay to love himself and to love that word, because of me. Dan said he loved me. And I believed him.

We’d both said those 3 words before, plenty of times. We liked teasing each other with it and repeating it to each other until we were both blue in the face. But he’d never made me reassure him how much I really loved him, ever. But then, all of a sudden, he did. We were cuddling on the couch and watching movies, and I whispered the usual sleepy “I love you” into him ear. Dan turned around, his eyes round and so innocent looking. “Really?” he asked, squirming in my grip so that he could properly face me. I nodded, wondering why he suddenly needed reassurance. Dan bit his lip and looked around like he was trying to make constellations out of nothing on our blank ceiling.

"How much?" I stayed silent for a moment, chewing on my words. There was really no way to tell him. How could I ever explain to him that he was my life, and my everything, and if there was no Dan, there wouldn’t be a me? There was no way I could ever put into words how I loved his smile and his laugh and his little frustrated grunts as he edited, how I loved his tapping and his humming and his singing and just everything that even related slightly to him. So instead I kissed his freckled cheek and whispered, "From here.." And that was all. Dan pouted and scrunched up his face. "Stop messing around, Phil." But he didn’t pry any more. He seemed content with my answer, and he kissed me. We ignored the rest of the movie. We were too enveloped in each other’s lips.

Then, the day came. I remember the date exactly; June 11th, 2014. He were going to visit his family for his birthday. He wanted to see his little brother and his family for his birthday. I would’ve went with him, but it was too short of notice and one of us needed to stay behind and do the radio show. I was so sad to see Dan leave, as I hated being in our apartment alone. But he reassured me that he’d be back in just two days, and then we could spend as much time as I wanted laying together and just enjoying being together and feeling the other breathe onto our necks and just feel how our hearts were syncing up and beating in time. I knew Dan was right, so I let him go, though it was still reluctantly. He was taking a plane, and I joked about the pictures of him sleeping from the last time he’d taken a plane ride without me. He got all flustered and cute, and he gave me a long, loving kiss and he left. I sat in silence for about two hours, not even opening my laptop or going on my phone. I just sat and waited for him to get back. That’s what I usually did without him at home. My phone rang with the familiar tone that I’d set for him, and I picked up immediately. “Dan, I’m glad you remembered to call! Has the plane taken off?” He breathed heavily into the phone. “Phil.. Oh my god, why weren’t you picking up?” My throat got tight. I heard the panic in his voice. “Dan? What.. Why can I hear screaming in the background?” He was panting now. “Phil, Phil, I can’t.. The plane is going to crash.” I felt dizzy at this point. “What? Dan, you aren’t funny. Stop it.”

"Phil, I’m not joking, the main engine went out, and the back-up is failing. We’re not gonna survive this." He was choking and stumbling on his words. I felt tears dropping down my face and beginning to soak my shirt. "Dan, please, don’t say that. You’re going to live, okay?" He let out a shaky sigh into the phone. "Phil, I’m scared." His voice was weak and frail, and he didn’t sound sure anymore. He really did sound scared. He sounded to be made of glass again, and like he’d just break so easily if he was hugged to tightly, let alone get in a plane crash. My hand shook hard, but I needed to let him know that he would be okay. But the words stuck in my throat, and I couldn’t get it out. "Phil, they’re saying we have 5 minutes left at best. Please, let’s make it last." More tears slid down, and I let out a whimper. "Dan, you’re going to live,” I managed to say, but my voice squeaked and cracked. I heard a choked sob from his end. “Phil, don’t-“

"You’re going to live," I continued, interrupting him. "You’ll live and when you get back home, we’ll go out and get Starbucks and sit on our couch in the shop. I’ll buy you anything and I’ll hold you against me and we’ll let everyone know we’re together. And in the future we’ll get married, and we’ll have kids, and we’ll live out the lives we’ve both always wanted. The future is a lot closer than you think." He was still crying softly into the phone, and I was too. "Four minutes," he whispered. I heard him sniffle. "I love you Phil." My shirt was soaked completely now, and my stomach was churning. This couldn’t be how it ended. This couldn’t be it. But it was, and we were going to be over. After so many wasted seconds, I responded with “I love you too.” He cleared his throat and sniffed again. I just wanted to put my arms around him, I wanted to hold him, I wanted to tell him goodbye. I didn’t want this to be the end. “Just believe me. You’re going to live. Say it with me, Dan.” He took a shaky breath. “I am going to live.” I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “That’s it. Just believe it. You’re going to make it back home.” He wasn’t crying softly anymore. He was full-on sobbing. “I don’t want to die.” I felt my lip tremble at these words. He sounded like he was just a little boy. “I don’t want you to die, Dan. I don’t.. I can’t have it end like this.”

"We were supposed to die together Phil, after years of happiness, of old age. I’m only 22. I’m not ready.” I felt like dying at that moment, and I was sure I could’ve. I probably would’ve, for that matter, if I hadn’t been willing myself so hard to stay strong and believe he could live. “I’m not ready, either.” My voice was hardly a whisper at that point. His breath was catching. “One minute.” I didn’t want this. I couldn’t stand to hear this. I felt like I needed to hang up, to not hear the crash that would take Dan from me. But I also knew I needed to be with him until his last breath. That’s when I remembered. “Dan.. Quick, do you remember when you asked me how much I love you?” I could almost see the quizzical expression on his face, red and wet with tears. “Yeah, I do. Why?” My breath was sticking to the air around me, and I could feel my heartbeat through each inch of my body. I couldn’t speak. I knew that once I said it, it would be over. “Phil, Phil, hurry, say it. Tell me what you need to say.” He sounded panicky again. From somewhere in the background, I heard a yell of “20 seconds! Brace yourselves!” But I couldn’t do it. The words were stuck again, and I couldn’t do it. “Phil, please!”

He was screaming now, tears cracking his voice. But for some reason, I still couldn’t. I was blowing it. I had maybe 10 seconds of Dan left, and my words wouldn’t come. He let out a few quick breaths, and then simply called out, “Phil, I love you, please! I love you and I.. Don’t let me die yet!” Nothing. No words still. His voice bounced around through octaves, getting higher and lower at odd points. “Phil, I love you. Thank you. Thank you for the life you gave me, I love you. I love yo-” That was it. The phone went off with a sickening crunch of metal and flesh. I knew that was it, and the phone went out forever, and so had Dan’s eyes. He was gone, and I hadn’t said it. I hadn’t even said goodbye. I dropped my phone and sat there, doing nothing again. I heard it hit the ground. I sat like that for what felt like hours before I doubled over on the couch crying like a baby. I picked the phone back up and whispered into it though I knew he couldn’t hear me anymore. “To here.” Tears fell all over the phone’s screen as I watched the time tick on long past the 5 minutes Dan had been expected to live. “I love you, Dan.” I stared at the time. It wouldn’t bring him back, but it made me feel strangely better. I put my finger to the screen. “Goodbye,” I muttered, hitting ‘end’.

"Forever."