alllll the fics

Love Is One Thing

Description: Phil hasn't told Dan he loves him yet.

Warnings: It's just sad. I still wouldn't call this the end of my hiatus, but it might be. This has sat in my drafts for months, so I just wanted to finish it.

Phil hasn't told Dan he loves him yet.

It's probably for the best, and it'd probably be better if Phil could just tear his eyes away from the blue-ish light from his laptop that's falling on Dan's face, but it's just a little too much. He physically couldn't bring himself to stop looking. Looking was one thing. Love was another.

Dan hasn't told Phil that he loves him yet.

He can feel Phil's eyes on him, tracing down his lips and the curve of his nose and just everywhere, with no particular destination in mind. It makes his insides feel staticky and he knows that he should slow down. He knows exactly how these things go down, he's read every article on the subject. If Phil had so much as implied the words 'long distance', Dan probably would've curled up and tried to dissolve into nothing. And of course, it won't work. He's 18, Phil is 22. They're far too young. Too young to put that kind of stress on themselves. Too young to be in love.

Dan is 18. He's just barely out of highschool, and god, there's no way he's ready for the real world yet. Just a few months ago he had to ask to stand up, and now he had to choose a career and a life and he had to be ready, just like that. But Phil is there, and Phil seems to know how to handle it, even if he's only smiled when Dan's tried to get him to say those stupid words, even if he doesn't love Dan.

Dan is 18, and he's lying in Phil's bed, and Phil's lips are pressed to his shoulder blades and down his back like they could take away the pain. And Dan can feel him staring, and Phil knows he can, but he just keeps kissing, and doesn't say a word. Dan just waits for him to say it, but all stays quiet, with only the occasional soft noise from Phil's lips.

Phil is 22, and he's holding Dan in front of him, kissing down, down, down, trying his best to not make it seem sexual. He was just trying to- Well, he wasn't sure, exactly. Dan was just 18. He was just a child. But Phil holds him there and kisses him until Dan brushes his lips away from the small of his back. Phil holds him there until Dan squirms out of his gentle hold, he stands and leaves without a word. Because, well, maybe it's a little odd. But kissing was one thing. Love was another.

Dan is 18, and he's shaking in bed after he closes his laptop for the night. Phil was obviously trying to get something more than kisses out of this, and Dan isn't sure how to feel. He isn't sure if he wants that anymore. It suddenly seems like too much, and it's too soon. Isn't he growing up quick enough? Why does he have to be in love too? Dan starts finding himself avoiding Skype calls.

Phil feels Dan is taking it too seriously.

Dan is 18, and he starts to realize how scary this is. Even if he does decide that he still loves Phil, who says it'll work out? Who says Phil won't get bored after a year or two, go on to find the next boy straight out of school and into the real world? Who says Phil loves him back, anyway? Dan starts to think that, maybe, he was only interested in the happy part.

Phil is 22, and growing impatient as Dan chews on his nails and tears at the skin around his thumbs with his teeth. Phil knows he's dressed, but he's still standing quietly in the bathroom, staring back into the mirror at his facepaint. "I don't even look like a bear," he's mumbling now, and Phil hears his words roll quietly out from under the door. The door cracks open and Phil pushes it the rest of the way, wrapping his arms around him. "But you look beautiful." Dan's breath is catching in his throat, and he wishes Phil hadn't said that. Now all he wants is to jump up and kiss him and breathe i love you into his mouth, but of course he can't. If Phil thought he loved him.. Dan knew better than to tell lies.

Dan is 18, and finding it a little hard to breathe as Phil steers him through the crowds, past hundreds of people. Maybe thousands, maybe millions, Dan doesn't know. All he knows is that all the eyes are falling on him, or maybe on Phil, but it's too close. Dan asks if they can step outside, and Phil obliges, leading him to the side of a fountain. Phil holds his hand and kisses his fingertips. Phil tells him that he doesn't care about those other YouTubers anway- All he wanted was Dan, just Dan. Dan feels his stomach lurching like he's on a roller coaster. Phil always made him feel that way. Dan's not sure if he likes that feeling anymore.

Phil hasn't told Dan that he loves him yet.

But now seems as good a time as any.

Phil is 22, and leaning in to brush his lips against the skin beside Dan's ear. Dan is 18, and he feels Phil's lips twitch into a smile. Phil is 22, and Dan starts to pull away. "Phil.. Phil, I-" He stops, his breathing heavy. It's like he has to force the words out of his throat, ripping them from his breath. "Phil, I don't want this." Phil pulls back, feeling Dan's hand loosen around his. "I don't.. I just don't want this." His eyes fall to the ground, and he's scuffing his shoe against the rocky side of the fountain. Phil's throat is tightening, and he feels weak. He's not sure how he's still sitting upright.

"Is it me?" Dan's eyes run back up to Phil's quickly, and he rushes his free hand up and onto Phil's shoulder. "No, no no, please don't think that." Dan's eyes are still fluttering around, like he's trying to find the words he needs floating around them. "I'm just a kid, Phil." His hand skitters down Phil's back, eventually falling off and landing on Dan's own knee. "I'm just not ready." Phil lets out a huff of breath, almost like he's annoyed. It takes a second, but Phil nods. "Alright."

Dan is 18, and he scoots away from Phil, bumping his knee one last time. Dan is 18, and he unlaces his fingers from Phil's, dropping his now empty hand beside him. Dan is 18, and he doesn't love Phil anymore.

...

Phil hasn't told Dan that he loves him yet.

And he never will.