alllll the fics

Snow, Stars, & Coffee

(i saw this post and needed to write something for it and OF COURSE THERE’S DEATH) (link at the bottom friendos)

(Description: He used to be more, and now he was a fraction of what he was. He was a different person. And different people- Well, they drink their coffee black.

Warnings: Death, sadness, angsty run-on sentences that probably don’t make much sense. Oh well.

please talk to me

There was a time, long long ago, when Dan Howell put sugar and milk into his coffee. Three scoops of sugar, a tablespoon of milk, he measured it out and made it just so. He drank it sweet, because life was sweet. Life was good, and he had to be sweet. If Phil’s lips had touched his while his mouth burnt with the taste of roasted coffee grounds, it was almost tangible the way Phil would radiate disgust. Phil drank his coffee the same, and they tasted the same. The boys never seemed to disrupt each other with the taste of sugar and milk between their lips and teeth.

But, like I said, that was a long time ago.

i’m sorry that i fucked everything up

Sugar began tasting less like stardust and more bitter, and milk was always too creamy and tasted to soft. Dan wasn’t soft to the world anymore. He had hardened up, put up a wall around himself. What else could he have done? He had to make himself strong, even though he had been spoiled, ruined by the world. He used to be more, and now he was a fraction of what he was. He was a different person. And different people- Well, they drink their coffee black.

i miss you

There was a time, long long ago, when Dan Howell was just a kid. He was a kid who loved the snow and held stars in his eyes, on his wrist, in the spaces between his eyelashes. He’d always kept those stars close to himself, and never wanted to give them up. But along came another boy, one who was older and wasn’t a kid. He had bruises, he had scars, he had a story. His stars were a little more faded, and Dan felt for him. He wanted to make the boys stars bright again. Suddenly, Dan wanted to share the stars with him. He wanted to do anything to give the boy his stars and make him shiny and new, because he deserved it. And the boy seemed to want the same. So he took a few, just to be safe. He took a few and wove them in across his chest, and Dan still wanted to share more. Dan shared the snow and the sky and his mattress. Dan shared his heart and his soul. Dan shared his coffee.

But isn’t it funny how stars go out?

everything reminds me of you

It really is. It’s said that when you wish on a star, it’s been dead already for millions of years. What you are seeing is basically a prerecorded version of the star. It’s been dead for longer than you could imagine. But you’ll wish on it anyway, because that’s what you were taught to do. Dan never thought much of it, he only could think of coffee breath and eyelashes and snow and Phil, because to him, it was life. His life was sharing the stars with Phil, and that’s what he loved. He loved Phil. He told him every day, he muttered into his tired ear that he loved him. Phil would lean back and promise Dan forever. Forever is a long time, Dan used to think, but he didn’t mind. If forever was to be spent with anyone, it should be spent with Phil, so long as they could keep the stars and the coffee. Forever was a promise Dan had planned on keeping.

But some things just aren’t meant to be.

the snow reminds me of you

Forever turned into black coffee and tears, shaky hands and pale skin. Snow turned to sugar, and we all know how much Dan grew to detest sugar. The sweetest name had had ever tasted grew cold and bitter, and suddenly hearing the name Phil could make bring him to tears. Dan loved snow so much, and he had been out in it when sweet coffee and morning kisses went sour in just a matter of seconds. Phil had looked so bright, and Dan could see all the stars woven into his chest and around his wrists, and Dan felt proud. He turned his back for just a moment, and the words he had planned, ‘I love you’, died on his lips as there was a honk and a screech and dead silence, and suddenly, snow turned to sugar. He turned around and felt tears leave his eyes immediately and fall into his gaping mouth. Snow was stained red around him, falling into the road. Phil lay among it in a tangled mess, and forever wasn’t forever anymore. Phil promised forever. Phil gave him forever. And forever ended in front of the truck that took it all away. Dan blamed himself for it, blamed himself for turning his back. He felt lost, and black coffee had never sounded so good to him.

it’s snowing today

Dan watched the snow fall outside the window, and he pulled the curtains over as quickly as he could. He clutched his cup closer to his lap, and looked around the room. It screamed Phil at the top of its lungs, and Dan felt something odd. He didn’t feel like screaming. He didn’t feel like the stars had been ripped from his body. He felt peace. He felt like maybe Phil had been meant to leave that way. Maybe life all had its reasons. Maybe carrying on what was between them once was Dan’s meaning. And maybe, that was what forever really was.

Dan stood and walked to the kitchen, and for the first time in 5 years, he scooped sugar into his cup.

(link to post: http://oh-phuck-its-dan-and-phil.tumblr.com/post/82431852870/amijusttumblinalone)